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Dedicated to my sisters from another mother

        I have come to a conclusion that women hurt other women. Sometimes it's intentional, vengeful, hateful, unkind and jealous. Sometimes it's without intention, accidental, unknowingly and yet it still wounds. So I am here in a world where the enemy uses us to either intentionally or not to hurt to hurt each other, to say something good, something loving, hopefully life bringing and healing. 
       There is so much beauty to be had when you love yourself with all it's flaws. People see the truth of you and love you for it. If you haven't found it yet, I promise you it's out there. You go looking for good you will find it, God will provide positive nurturing women in your life. Be bravely scared to ask Him. Knock and He will open. 
     For all the times you hated yourself because that old tape of lies plays in your head I'm here to say the following; (inspired by a great poem from Maya Angelou: Phenomenal Woman) 

If you have never felt like "pretty women wonder where my secret lies", I'm here to tell you that's it's in you. Beauty is in you!!!! Not the girl next you, not the person behind you or in front of you but YOU! I could insert a mess of women's name in there that I personally know but I will leave you to insert yourself. 
     If you have never felt like you have "an inner mystery" I am telling you do!! You aren't ugly, you aren't stupid, you aren't a waste of time, you mam are a PHENOMENAL WOMAN! You are worth honor, respect and time! I don't care if you aren't educated, unemployed, 25 pounds too heavy or too light, or bald, or missing teeth, YOU  are the crowning of God's creation. He made woman and then said it was good, He rested. So rest in His truth not the lies you've eaten. When someone compliments you say "thank you" and chew on that truth, masticate it like a cow, chew that mess up, regurgitate and chew it again until it becomes the truth for you. Let women who are comfortable in themselves love you. Let them hold your hand and walk with you towards healing truth. 

Sisterhood of the traveling pants.
A movie where women love each other and are in each other's corner

    If your head has been bowed I am here to remind you God is the lifter of your head!! Let Him lift you! 
    

At what point did I feel like a mom?

I got asked the following question "At what point did I fee like a mom?" I sat there sort of shell shocked by the question because I didn't give birth, I didn't breast feed, I didn't get that baby pee baptism, I didn't feel a new life taking over my body from the inside out. I adopted, we adopted not one but 3! So as a I sat and thought about others responses I started to get teary eyed and asked myself how could I answer this and not be Debbie downer to others beautiful experiences? I decided to not answer because as I thought about moments where I felt I am their mom they had an undertone of sadness because we fought for so long to finally say I AM THEIR MOM!! Their birth certificates say so. It wasn't easy, it wasn't something we counted it on, it was touch and go there for a real long time! So I am grateful for milestone moments in their lives because I didn't get so many early ones. Honestly it does pain me that I missed that because they are my kids and I can't imagine that I missed all that those first.

      Something lovely happened though from all my listening and being on the brink of tears. I heard other bio moms say they had missed out too due to other forces at work in their lives. That was soothing to my heart. It was soothing to hear one mom say she didn't know how to introduce herself because of circumstances in her life. I wasn't alone, the why was different but still I wasn't alone. This is community folks in the body of Christ. This is the way it's suppose to look like. Receiving each other's story and finding that you don't have to be alone anymore. There are so many facets to being a mom, a believer, a wife, a friend, a church volunteer, a whatever you want to name but these moments are the moments that are so pure and where I feel God holding my hand through someone else's flesh and saying "I get you."

Visiting my abuela (grandmother) this summer it happened to be her 85 birthday. I did not find the rather warm and squishy petite woman I was so use to seeing. Instead I saw a very frail frizzy haired lady who didn't recognize me. I introduced myself and she was so shocked to see me suddenly although I had been standing there a while. She told me she didn't know I was in town and continued to kiss my hand and tell me how much she missed me. I introduced my husband again although she had met him years ago and she she petted me on the arm often. Then she would look at me in a quizzical way and ask me my name again. This happened about every 10 minutes or so while my uncle and I tried to force feed her. If this wasn't hard enough I offered to bath her to give my uncle a break for an evening. 

We shuffled down the hall while I got her to sing a praise song because she loved singing in church many moons ago. We praised God for the whole shuffle as she sang "Jesus is a faithful friend" in Spanish. When we finally did arrive at the bathroom I began to help her undress and I wasn't prepared for the scar on her chest where one breast use to be. I wasn't prepared to find she had been sitting in her own stool for a while and didn't realize it, she was embarrassed when I told her I had to clean her. My grandmother has always been a simply minded person yet so kind and caring. If she felt you hadn't eaten, or needing more to eat regardless of the fact you just ate she would feed you plenty with loads of butter and bread. She was the woman who would sneak me extra recess money for school so I wouldn't be sad. Here she was at her most vulnerable as a human being. Here she was 85, a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother who had won over breast cancer though she didn't know it. She now has stage 4 cancer in her hip, lungs and recently her spine. Days before she had been through 14 treatments of radiation and all she would say to me over and over after our introductions was I've been sick, I have asthma and I went to the doctor. 

Finally I eased her into her chair in the shower stall and got the water temperature to her liking I started washing her hair as she told me how good I was to her and how much she loved me. My grandmother had given me baths as a child in her home and now it was my turn to return the favor. Somehow you just never think you'll be there though you know always they are older than you. She was no longer strong, she was no longer healthy, she no longer could recognize me. I was so grateful to have gotten the opportunity to serve her and love her even though she couldn't give me much in return. 

After the bath I dressed her and put her to bed. I gave her kisses and rubbed her head and told her I would see her the next day. Then my husband and I left and I broke down in a wellspring of tears as we drove from the familiar city of my teenage years.  A week plus later I am still overwhelmed by her human frailty, I have no words of wisdom but rather just a grateful and sad heart that I got to care for the one who still is mi abuela. 

as the world of adoption turns

yesterday we had our adoption home study,never mind we had a foster hone study in Oct.It' s one if those things you have to go through though you know all about what they will say since you are moving from fostering to adopting. still got to go through the hoops.  
 I am reflecting  on our journey. I worried so much about how others would perceive our family, how our kids wouldn't look like us, how much I hated the idea of shopping for a kid. As the journey continued things got unbelievably tough court became difficult. our dream of adopting became a real journey of faith in the midst of zero guarantee . I worked tirelessly to implement therapeutic methods, hyper vigilance all while not focusing on the fear these beautiful kids would disappear and return . still our best was called upon, our hearts were needed to engage to nurture . I suppose I could have chosen not to engage, I could have done the bare minimum but in the midst of the hardships I felt God' s voice saying "I know what your heart' s desire is as and won' t break it!" I have to say at times this wording made me mad. Why icould n' t God just say yeah they aren't going anywhere? Why these words specifically? I believe it was to promote healing for me, to promote trust in heavenly father that is just,honorable,always does the right thing and cares for my heart . I don't know how many Times I put myself in situations that reeked of bad return yet my expectation was for better . As the proverbial bad fruit would arise I would be crushed and wounded, untrusting. 

A Different Kind of Christmas

Tis the seasons to see families together, gifts exchanged, peace and good will towards man. In a home with 3 kids who have lived the majority of their lives in the "system" Christmas is more a time of anxiety and sadness. Sure there is an excitement about classroom parties and gifts but that last but an inkling for my kids who deep down are sad, are grieving the loss of their biological people and wondering why they aren't around. This year adoption is coming to our front step. We go to court to finally cut the last remaining legal ties for our kids to be adoptable. I find it ironic that it's five days before the world celebrates one small babe who was born in terrible circumstances, through a time of fear and the unknown. He was the only child given to this world to bring about restoration to have free access to the Father. His ultimate sacrifice would bring forth peace and a freedom to go to the Father any time any where. Our kids were rescued in the same way, brought about sacrifice, unending love and devotion. We continue to pursue relationship with them, we continue to forgive their antics to keep us at arm's length, we continue to supply truth to their lives and balm for their wounds. I pray this Christmas isn't just about gobs of presents and squeezing through the crowds for that not so perfect present but remembering and accepting that the best present of all is the Savior who came to restore your life. The Savior who sacrificed himself in order that you would have beauty for ashes, peace for your despair, joy for your sadness and a sure ground for you to walk on.

1st moments

There have been so many first I have missed being a soon to be adoptive mom and thus that is why first moments mean so much to me. This week there were two (firsts). Our oldest lost two baby teeth and our youngest skated at a skating ring for the first time. Our youngest was so confident,it never phased him that he'd never done it before. He wanted to go into the ring with all these fast children whipping around and didn't want daddy to hold his hand. Since I had not skated for years I went as well and I did need my middle lady to hold my hand. It was so sweet to me how slow she went. These are the moments I feel so connected to them. 

    For our oldest it wasn't nearly as fun for firsts but money from the tooth fairy quickly heals the woes. Eventually our oldest will find out there is no tooth fairy but for right now I was more than happy to propagate the myth by sewing her a little bag, with a tooth on the front that contained $4. She had to have her teeth pulled because of yuckness and she was so brave. Now she looks like a normal 7 yr old at least in the mouth.I saw other kids that were her same age and realized that indeed she is way smaller than she should be. It's interesting to explain her size to people who know their origin, but for those who don't she was grown in our hearts along with her sister and brother. 

   We get closer to the day were they can be adopted and I can't wait. In my heart I know these are our children. My pastor looked at pictures we posted on line,(another first) and said "when I look at them I know this is right." Thinking about that brings tears to my eyes as it's been a long journey to get here. No one ever talks about how the road to adopting kids feels like the longest birth ever. Have I gained and lost weight in the process? YES. Have I been ridiculously emotional? Check! Have I nested? check! Have I wondered if I will mess them up? check! Only somehow the stakes seem so much higher since they live here. They come with baggage, they come with a past that continues to hinder them in areas of growth, development, attachment and learning.

   I talked with a dear friend a few days ago and we talked of living our dreams and how much we think we should not struggle now that we have attained our dreams of family. Holy moly how hard is it when you add a little person into the mix, or two or three. The definition of family becomes questioned consistently. You wonder if your expectations are valid, you wonder if you are good enough, you wonder what they will be every day. Suddenly in the midst of every day mundane activities they've grown a little taller, a little smarter, more healed and teeth fall out and new ones grow. This happens right before your very eyes, right before all your questions and what ifs,tantrums, broken stuff and lots and lots of tears. 

   However this season I am so thankful for our little people who have been designed for our family. I am so very thankful for our case manager who has been so supportive and gracious to take our case after our previous one was um gone on "permanent vacation". I am thankful for our therapist and how hard they work on figuring out how our kiddos tick. I am thankful for teachers who work hard to help our kiddos. I am thankful for family and friends all over the map from West to East and North to South, who pray without ceasing for them and us. I am thankful to God who makes beautiful things out of dust. 

   I don't know how our next chapter will unfold but I do know that God never changes, His ways are still the same, He cares for us so much He gave his most valuable relationship up for us. I am thankful that God knows me. He knew my kids in the womb and He knows my husband and our need.

I Speak Jive

 Today's blog entry is on communication. I realize this is an artform a science if you well. We pick up how to communicate from our mothers initially as we closely bond to them as our pathways are being created in our too complicated brains. Now if this delicate balance is interrupted, never started and then you pick up language on the fly communication at best is muddled like talking through a can. If your experiences with communication are never tied to how you truly feel and seeing it as a tool to express ideas and feelings well then folks it becomes up the proverbial creek without you know the paddle. In trying to create a healing environment for three kids coming from severe neglect and abuse I have found myself a whole lot less patient with adults who lack skill in this area. Now don't get judgy folks it's where I am at. I don't have the time or the energy to be indirect or  read between the stalks of niceties. I understand for some personality types straight forwardness is challenging but sheesh if you have something to say that is how you feel it's VALID! 

Now I do believe there are rules of engagement if you will. 

Good communication does not

1) Cut the person down

2) is not used to manipulate the person into getting your way

3) tell another friend instead of you

4) stew, fester and then blow up because you can't get it out

Good communication does

1.) say yes when they mean yes or no when they mean no

2) communicate personal boundaries/expectations

3)further friendship

4)LISTEN

5)only shares advise when asked

6)challenge 

7)stays respectful

8) Nurtures

9) Inquires

Now I am the type of person who feels free to be ornary when I feel close enough to a person. I do not ever wish to make a person feel less then, offend or cut down. I do however like to bother with comments such as "sheesh it's cause I am brown" or wow looking like you are going for a leg warmer event, so you aren't shaving, or you are tOOOO hot for the atrocity of this dress you tried on!  I like to lighten the mood with funny witty comments but when it gets down to business and being real about where I am at I find not many can handle my unloading. I don't unload in a manner that requires the hearer to fix it, or even offer advice. I just want to be heard and if I should feel like I need a "hey what do you think?" I have no problems asking. Now when communication becomes um how do I put it indirect, mean, finger pointing or judgy I get pretty bugged out. If you feel like cussing someone out because your day has sucked GO kick a tree. If you feel like I can't tell you how I really feel because you won't be my friend COME ON it isn't 1st grade anymore. My little ones say such things when they don't get their way too. When you respect someone you listen! You take their feelings under consideration but for crying out out loud USE YOUR WORDS!!!. Even though communication is an art form, a craft and a science if you see there are continual issues with you and others dying in the desert because you are there 40 yrs learn a  new skill. You don't have to take on what the other person says, You are a worth sharing and just as valid as the next person.

He will give me rest!

 This week seems like a million years long. I had 3 kid appointments in two days not to mention a holiday thrown in for good measure just as school is starting and kids were off last week for 3 "hurricane days". At the o.t. evaluation it was confirmed that my kids need help and my suspicions were correct, for some reason this made me incredibly sad. I fell apart talking to my B.F. not even knowing why I was crying and she said because it's sad. I thought yeah it  is my kids need help even though they are "normal" on the outside even what the heck charming their issues run deep, they run complicated and I still have to put guardian when I fill out forms. It seems so unjust at this point that I still have to say yeah I am the foster mom and not just their MOM!!!! Yeah I am their MOM, I hold their hands because doctors creep them out, I hold them like infants when life seems to crash in on them even when all that was asked was for them to read a word on their homework sheet they've read 700 times!!! Then after such bonding occurs there may or may not be 2 days of wild crazy, mean, inattentive, disobedient and did I say crazy behavior because such is the life of a kid with attachment disorder. I feel sad that today is my oldest birthday and I can't really celebrate the way I would with a healed kid. I would run down the street with a banner HEY IT'S MY KID'S BIRTHDAY AND I THINK THEY ROCK!!!! I am thankful they are in the world and oh how I wish I could have been there to hold them and cradle them and sing to them, normal things moms and dads get to do with their babies. Instead I have to play tons of catch up because they are 7 and 6 and don't even know why the got left behind and abandoned. Most of the time I see how such lack of pivotal infant bonding has messed with their heads and hearts. Their brains don't work like everyone else's even though they are sooooo CUTE!!! Even though they can make you laugh at their funniness, even though they love to go for Chinese food (not really eating the Chinese) but to them it's family. They feel connected to us when we take them there.  

 Today is my oldest birthday and half the time she looks like this hamster looks, "what?? how did I get in this cup? IT's A CUP? WHAT? Oh wait I meant to be here....no you put me here... What I'm hungry!" God bless this girl; she's a hot mess but I love her  to death. I couldn't love her more if she really was my biology and still we wait to make this final. Still we have to prove what we already know in our hearts and what they hope and pray for, that we are their forever family. Being in this place of holding sucks for all of us. While I know their past is part of them I still hate having to tell people of consequence where they came from and what they are having to fight because their isn't anything I could do to turn the clock. I forget now that I am still "FOSTER MOM" until I have to write it on a form or someone asks "oh it's final right?" It hurts because this is our life now mom by choice of three blessed  rebel rousers . They keep me busier than a one armed paper hanger. The O.T. said I am tired just listening to ya. I had to laugh. Most days I am so tired it's hard to keep going but I do and manage to work out, amazing how that works even though I would rather eat donuts and drink wine. My wish list for help is as follows : 

Someone dropping off dinner

mowing and weeding my yard

free massage

pedicure

STARBUCKS gift card

hanging out with ladies

no asking how they are 

Caring for my kids for a weekend

helping my kid out with homework

Someone to wash and detail my car

Anyone want in on that deal let me know, no questions asked. Much love !!

      Yesterday I celebrated my XX birthday. My hubby mentioned all the things we have accomplished since we started our journey together and it was very encouraging to know all we've done by the time this birthday has come around. We spent the morning and early afternoon hitting yard sales towards a beach resort town with our little dude while the girls were at school. This year we treated the kids for ice cream for my birthday since my hubby's was going to take me out for dinner and dessert. We talked and ran into an old friend. It was nice to be alone with my husband and feel like and clean adult. I know I say this a lot but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a mother of 3 instantly at this age. People who haven't seen me in a while or at all and know our family situation ask so it's official "they are adopted" and I have to say nope not yet. 
    Yesterday of the many times we tried not to about the kids we talked about how we would both cry the day we get to stand in court and have it be official. We both couldn't imagine our lives without them. I got to together the day before with some of my girlfriends, had lunch at Roly Poly and shopped. It has been such a long time since I was together with a bunch of women shopping. :O) I even got cool presents and am awaiting gourmet cupcakes from another friend; no doubt full of love. It's wonderful to know you are loved. :O) Hopefully next week I will have lunch with another lovely friend of mine.( Ya know stretching out this birthday gig as long as possible).

Love at a 7-11

This past week I reconnected with my mother's side of the family due to the unfortunate and untimely passing of one of my uncles. I had not been with this side in over 11 years and to say much has changed is rather an understatement. I felt like the young prodigal coming home. So much of my mom's family are interconnected through marriages, births, deaths and divorces. I was happy to see them though the reason was sour. I was happy to hear their stories and their struggles and it brought me to the idea of poems for the stories I had heard. The following poem is for my cousin Lenny and his second wife Susan.

                                                             Love at a 7-11

Hi" was all he would say 

  as he went by the way.

 He so happily volunteered 

 for things that were needed.

 with wanting interest

and so came more trips 

 for little here and there.

                                                      

                                                     

"Are you just gonna say hi?"

was the question she asked.

Many trips later she would try

"Are you gonna ask me out?"

 Indeed there was love on her mind

 more than simple dating did sprout.

 Love at a 7-11 he did find 

 after all the shy glances 

and smiles did deliver.

Love at a 7-11

was serving 2 extra kids for dinner.
4 and no more was the answer
to my question
of their love and affection.

                                                      

                                                   

Healing From Fictional Words

I've never been one to absorb fiction on a consistent basis as I seem to really immerse myself in relationships. When I have needed a break I mostly go to "self-help" because when I needed answers I wanted them without all the fluff. As of late in my life I needed escape only to find the answers I needed much more slowly. I began by watching a series of movies that delved into the horror/fantasy/young adult romance category. Then I decided I needed to know how it all really began and really ended since they were based on novels. Over short weeks I about consumed the set of 4 lengthy novels. I digested the characters...I purchased most of the movies...I let my mental life stay there for a little while looking for some reprieve from the daily challenges I have had. Surprisingly enough I found more than just escape. In connection with these novels and therapy ( feeling an Oprah moment here) I found a long since closed door finally open. The innocence and passion of truly loving someone that makes my heart, mind and body tingle. The excitement of not being afraid, of not holding back and of truly accepting this person's courage and adventurousness. I remembered what it was like to feel tickled to be lost in thinking about holding this other person...
   Then as I finished this set of novels I started another. Somehow I found three out of the four of the set at a thrift store. Though the pace is nearly not as gripping I found myself in there as well. I cried as I read one character finally coming out of a cloak of grief. I remembered myself and feeling free of things from years past and my mind passing over fuzzy mental snapshots of these three beautiful children that have brought me to a place of dealing with my childhood. Amazing how fiction can open the door to yourself in a subtle and shocking way without your knowledge. (For being awake by 3 ish I am surprised I seem lucid at all.... but here are my rantings none the less). Pick up a book or two or 6 if you feel so inclined, enjoy them and let them rearrange you a bit.

Secret Getaway

As foster families it's important to get a way!!! So do to the blessing of the Lord we are able to go to a hotel on the beach for the weekend. We are so excited to be celebrating Valentine's early with just the two of us! Hopefully everyone else is thinking about how wonderful it is to be with your soul mate. Happy Early Valentines!! 

The Sacrifice of Borrowed Motherhood

This sculpture came to mind when I thought of my current situation of being a foster mom. My days thus far have only been borrowed. Most folks who don't know or our family don't know the children we love and care for are foster children. They have been with us 14 months and we are in love with them. We've been in and out of court with their goal being changed here and there because of the law and what it says. 

What I've chosen to do is to put into them the best I can. I see more and more everyday their disadvantages and how they struggle with normal situations. I see they have seen abuse and neglect immeasurable and yet they are not free to adopt. I am reminded of the borrowed time every time their social worker makes her monthly surprise visit.  I thought I had missed it when my husband was home instead of me; but no she came again today. My heart breaks every time I think I might have to part with them to a place that will have no hope or help. That I find it to be the hardest but my  physical presence quickly moves to the their immediate daily needs while in the back of my minds I wonder will I get to kiss them goodnight for much longer... tooth brushing x 3, homework x 2, interminable potty training. This is my sacrifice of love to them and I hope that it changes them no matter the outcome.

" I want to be somebody's Gerry"

 I watched this great chick flick called "P.s. I love you" and as always there's a whirlwind of emotion. This movie is not just a fluff happy ending where it just seems too ridiculous for words. It's about crazy love and crazy loss. Sometimes love hits you in the heart and you feel like you can't breathe then it changes and grows into something much different. For some it tanks and leaves you empty, betrayed, used and full of questions. Sometimes you are lifted up where eagles fly sort of speak...wink wink. When you find a love that loves you with all your worts that is worth fighting for. I am not talking about a person who treats you like dirt and mistakenly think you can change them by the power of your love; that's called work friends not love. I am blessed enough to have a marriage of nearly 12 years (to the same man I might add) and I feel one with this individual. I feel a greater version of myself. In the flick mentioned above the woman who's deeply in love has her husband (Gerry) die. Gerry leads her through her grief by leaving behind all sorts of letters that come to her in all sorts of ways to give her plan of how to proceed. Towards the end of the film as the woman comes to know who she is after the love of her life dies she confides in a male friend. The said male friend was hopes to have more and continues to realize that she is not over Gerry and he says " I want to be somebody's Gerry". I heard those words and I thought yes I get it, that quest for love to find that one person that you can't imagine not doing life with and vica versa. Ah love it's so much more that just the original dance of wondering do they feel, will it be reciprocated, is it going some where? Are they really that great or just an awesome con person stringing along a lot of other hopeful women..(oh the Bachelor comes to mind but lets not digress too much). 


    If you are committed to marriage you commit to so much more than you really bargain for no matter how you find it or how it finds you. Commitment seems to be such a disposable word now a days. Divorce happens for insane reasons and so quickly gets bitter and ugly. But commitment man that's work.... it's not like the great wedding cards that say hope your lives are filled with loving, laughing and all around perfection. Life is messy so very messy but wrapped in the commitment of love it's like bacon; something strong, protein based and keeps you going. :O) 


    So for those that have made the commitment, keep going for if you keep working at it it will bring great reward. For those on the pursuit remember that you are worthy of a mate that loves you, cares for you and is always in your corner. 
XoXooooXXXXXOOOOO

The Secret Weapon of Praise

    Currently we are in the month of Christmas where there are manger scenes every where and Jesus is on buttons of the faithful who still know Christmas is about Christ. Someone said this season is weird because Jesus morphs back to a little child. Jesus is no longer a babe that is weak and needing of care. We celebrate the birth of Jesus and that He came with a purpose. It took several seasons of him living a status quo life training and living before he moved to truly meet the needs of people, people like myself.
    Yesterday my husband and I went to court to yet again being pulled emotionally with the change in our foster children's plans. We have become so invested in them and them in us that the thought of them leaving us is incredibly painful. We knew going there that we would hear the plan was to be changed but we went any way to hear everything we could about the particulars and if given a chance to speak. We did not get that chance. We came home so incredibly exhausted we could barely move. We went straight to nap for a few hours. Last night we felt so heavy and belabored. We attempted small moments of escape through movies and desserts. I laid my head down for sleep last night hoping to shut it all off. This morning I rose with a purpose to spend time with the one who came to be with me.
      I sat in my club chair and read scripture and still the heaviness and tiredness hovered. Then I read a small article entitled Emmanuel, God with us. I began to really meditate on this then I was reminded of a powerful tool...praise & worship. Like Paul and Silas we had no idea what will happen next, we felt trapped and helpless. "Mary praised in the midst of her unknowing."(Geischen) So I did just that I put on my Ipod on and I praised Him in the midst of my unknowing, in the midst of my great fears and pain. I sang better is one day in your courts than thousands else where. The heaviness began to lift. My perspective shifted to the real truth! The truth that never changes.
"Because you are my helper I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely." Psalm 63:7,8
    I was reminded that there is so much power in praise, your perspective shifts and all that is there is still there but Jesus is holding my hand. He is alive and I celebrate His friendship and comfort.

Reboot

Post Thanksgiving and I ate enormous amounts of bad food, too much wheat, too much sugar ugh. Last night I watched Fast Sick and Nearly Dead. I was super impressed with the idea that this man who was morbidly obese and had a bizarre and painful auto immune disease decided to simply start juicing. He traveled the U.S. from one side to the other  juicing and talking to others about the benefits. At the end he had rebooted his system and got completely off his medications it was crazy and lost a tremendous amount of weight. He didn't just lose weight he began a real exercise change to the point where his parents considered living that way as well.
So I decided to have some veggie & fruit smoothies.
  Yesterday: I had one a few hours after dinner:
   frozen spinach
   celery
  1 apple
  1 banana


then I made one for the morning after consisting of the same only adding carrots and I had it for breakfast.
After a few hours I had another full of 
Kale
Spinach
1  banana
1 green apple for lunch.




Four hours and one workout later I had 
kale
spinach 
carrots
1 banana
1 apple smoothie.


Within the hour two glasses of water. 


I feel ridiculously hydrated! Not bloated and have energy. I have had two cravings. A little bit after this most recent smoothie I was full and suddenly felt this very real craving for the crunch of crackers... Crackers of all things. The sensation of chewing somehow seems comforting and I haven't had it now for 19 hours. Now earlier today I thought I would eat dinner but the question in my mind is should I keep going? Should I keep making smoothies for 10 days? This man in the film asked people try it for 10 days.hmmmm.

Seriously A Helping Hand goes a long way!

 Another mom and I were dragging our strollers full of healthy toddlerness up several stairs of a museum this week. At the very top were two men who had clear view of our struggle and never once lifted a finger to help us. I got to the top thinking really are you serious?


I'm just wondering are manners and common courtesy just not hip? Is it something completely foreign in our day and age. I thought if it had been my husband he would have stopped whatever he was doing to help a woman. Teach your kids courtesy and help for others, model it! It starts at home; it's what I like to call home training.

6 Little Running Feet

      I became an instant foster mom of three almost a year ago. My hubby and I went into this journey with our eyes open knowing the children might be reunited with their parent. It's been almost a year and the children though challenged have bonded with us beyond our dreams. We love them and they love us. They constantly say they don't want to leave. Any little change of pace undoes them in ways that normal children aren't undone. At different times during normal daily activities such as having dinner different stories have come out about abuse and their past. It's so hard to process for yourself as a parent and even harder to help them. 
    There are things you hope for when you think you are going to be a parent. There are things you tell people that you will do and things you will "never" do but when you are in the thick of it all bets are off. 
   The details of our situation make me daily need to choose a different hope and alternative. I remember always feeling like education was important as a kid and how failing at it was just not an option. I suppose I felt that education would be the same for my kids, but right now it isn' t the end all beat all. I've had my perspective challenged because emotional health is taking precedence. Also always knowing that we would adopt I had assumed the children would not really look like us. I had pondered the many struggles that were sure to come with that and how others might react but never once did I think that they would look like me. Now I have the reverse problem were those who don't know our family assume they are biologically ours and all their quirks are my raising. It's amazing how in public you want to put your best foot forward and even more so as a mom. Some think automatically I am super mom because we were willing to chose to bring three small children into ours lives. I have never felt more challenged in my life. 
   No one really tells you that in parenting your past issues will all come flooding in and that you have to process that, maybe heal from or rethink in the midst of dealing with the here and in your face. I am neither a saint or hedonist but wow have I found out about myself in this process of completely rearranging my life. When you are out in everyday life and surrounded by other adults you tend to think of your home as your safe place when it's just you and your spouse. You can regroup there and figure out how to handle situations and destress and face the world again. When your life is changed to meet the every real and impressing demand of children you come to the end of yourself pretty quickly. I have no shame in saying that because it's the truth. I'm not more patient than the next mom or feel like fostering is something I can completely handle. Sure I think if the Lord sees fit to put these children back with their bio-dad that my heart would surely mourn for a long time. You have dreams about what your family will be like when everyone else is having baby after baby.
    But one thing that I have held strong to is that God really does see all! God knows all. I continue to believe and pray to no end that His plans for these children will come to fruition and I speak destiny into them every moment possible. I rise at 5 am everyday to go to my meeting place with  Abba Father to get my daily bread. The word says He hears me, that in my weakness He is strong and that He works in me to do His good pleasure. Without God this whole experience would come crashing down.  I am glad that God led us to this place where we chose to open our doors to show these children what a normal mommy and daddy do for each other and for their kids.

Announced on your chest at thrift stores

 

 1.) When donating items remember if you thought it was tacky then don't donate the tackiness. (Obviously someone was preoccupied by this issue and wanted the world to know about it)

 

2) In case you thought tacky t-shirts were only in English you might be surprised to know it's internationally spread. This shirt reads beautiful. Good to know you have to announce it on your chest.






 3) A very goofy kid's Romanesc costume. This thing was odd! While one and two were obvious chest tragedies this costume implores the whole body.



Again I feel I have to stress the point that if it was weird enough for you to have to get rid of why try to pass it to a thrift store????