At what point did I feel like a mom?

I got asked the following question "At what point did I fee like a mom?" I sat there sort of shell shocked by the question because I didn't give birth, I didn't breast feed, I didn't get that baby pee baptism, I didn't feel a new life taking over my body from the inside out. I adopted, we adopted not one but 3! So as a I sat and thought about others responses I started to get teary eyed and asked myself how could I answer this and not be Debbie downer to others beautiful experiences? I decided to not answer because as I thought about moments where I felt I am their mom they had an undertone of sadness because we fought for so long to finally say I AM THEIR MOM!! Their birth certificates say so. It wasn't easy, it wasn't something we counted it on, it was touch and go there for a real long time! So I am grateful for milestone moments in their lives because I didn't get so many early ones. Honestly it does pain me that I missed that because they are my kids and I can't imagine that I missed all that those first.

      Something lovely happened though from all my listening and being on the brink of tears. I heard other bio moms say they had missed out too due to other forces at work in their lives. That was soothing to my heart. It was soothing to hear one mom say she didn't know how to introduce herself because of circumstances in her life. I wasn't alone, the why was different but still I wasn't alone. This is community folks in the body of Christ. This is the way it's suppose to look like. Receiving each other's story and finding that you don't have to be alone anymore. There are so many facets to being a mom, a believer, a wife, a friend, a church volunteer, a whatever you want to name but these moments are the moments that are so pure and where I feel God holding my hand through someone else's flesh and saying "I get you."

He will give me rest!

 This week seems like a million years long. I had 3 kid appointments in two days not to mention a holiday thrown in for good measure just as school is starting and kids were off last week for 3 "hurricane days". At the o.t. evaluation it was confirmed that my kids need help and my suspicions were correct, for some reason this made me incredibly sad. I fell apart talking to my B.F. not even knowing why I was crying and she said because it's sad. I thought yeah it  is my kids need help even though they are "normal" on the outside even what the heck charming their issues run deep, they run complicated and I still have to put guardian when I fill out forms. It seems so unjust at this point that I still have to say yeah I am the foster mom and not just their MOM!!!! Yeah I am their MOM, I hold their hands because doctors creep them out, I hold them like infants when life seems to crash in on them even when all that was asked was for them to read a word on their homework sheet they've read 700 times!!! Then after such bonding occurs there may or may not be 2 days of wild crazy, mean, inattentive, disobedient and did I say crazy behavior because such is the life of a kid with attachment disorder. I feel sad that today is my oldest birthday and I can't really celebrate the way I would with a healed kid. I would run down the street with a banner HEY IT'S MY KID'S BIRTHDAY AND I THINK THEY ROCK!!!! I am thankful they are in the world and oh how I wish I could have been there to hold them and cradle them and sing to them, normal things moms and dads get to do with their babies. Instead I have to play tons of catch up because they are 7 and 6 and don't even know why the got left behind and abandoned. Most of the time I see how such lack of pivotal infant bonding has messed with their heads and hearts. Their brains don't work like everyone else's even though they are sooooo CUTE!!! Even though they can make you laugh at their funniness, even though they love to go for Chinese food (not really eating the Chinese) but to them it's family. They feel connected to us when we take them there.  

 Today is my oldest birthday and half the time she looks like this hamster looks, "what?? how did I get in this cup? IT's A CUP? WHAT? Oh wait I meant to be here....no you put me here... What I'm hungry!" God bless this girl; she's a hot mess but I love her  to death. I couldn't love her more if she really was my biology and still we wait to make this final. Still we have to prove what we already know in our hearts and what they hope and pray for, that we are their forever family. Being in this place of holding sucks for all of us. While I know their past is part of them I still hate having to tell people of consequence where they came from and what they are having to fight because their isn't anything I could do to turn the clock. I forget now that I am still "FOSTER MOM" until I have to write it on a form or someone asks "oh it's final right?" It hurts because this is our life now mom by choice of three blessed  rebel rousers . They keep me busier than a one armed paper hanger. The O.T. said I am tired just listening to ya. I had to laugh. Most days I am so tired it's hard to keep going but I do and manage to work out, amazing how that works even though I would rather eat donuts and drink wine. My wish list for help is as follows : 

Someone dropping off dinner

mowing and weeding my yard

free massage

pedicure

STARBUCKS gift card

hanging out with ladies

no asking how they are 

Caring for my kids for a weekend

helping my kid out with homework

Someone to wash and detail my car

Anyone want in on that deal let me know, no questions asked. Much love !!