Visiting my abuela (grandmother) this summer it happened to be her 85 birthday. I did not find the rather warm and squishy petite woman I was so use to seeing. Instead I saw a very frail frizzy haired lady who didn't recognize me. I introduced myself and she was so shocked to see me suddenly although I had been standing there a while. She told me she didn't know I was in town and continued to kiss my hand and tell me how much she missed me. I introduced my husband again although she had met him years ago and she she petted me on the arm often. Then she would look at me in a quizzical way and ask me my name again. This happened about every 10 minutes or so while my uncle and I tried to force feed her. If this wasn't hard enough I offered to bath her to give my uncle a break for an evening. 

We shuffled down the hall while I got her to sing a praise song because she loved singing in church many moons ago. We praised God for the whole shuffle as she sang "Jesus is a faithful friend" in Spanish. When we finally did arrive at the bathroom I began to help her undress and I wasn't prepared for the scar on her chest where one breast use to be. I wasn't prepared to find she had been sitting in her own stool for a while and didn't realize it, she was embarrassed when I told her I had to clean her. My grandmother has always been a simply minded person yet so kind and caring. If she felt you hadn't eaten, or needing more to eat regardless of the fact you just ate she would feed you plenty with loads of butter and bread. She was the woman who would sneak me extra recess money for school so I wouldn't be sad. Here she was at her most vulnerable as a human being. Here she was 85, a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother who had won over breast cancer though she didn't know it. She now has stage 4 cancer in her hip, lungs and recently her spine. Days before she had been through 14 treatments of radiation and all she would say to me over and over after our introductions was I've been sick, I have asthma and I went to the doctor. 

Finally I eased her into her chair in the shower stall and got the water temperature to her liking I started washing her hair as she told me how good I was to her and how much she loved me. My grandmother had given me baths as a child in her home and now it was my turn to return the favor. Somehow you just never think you'll be there though you know always they are older than you. She was no longer strong, she was no longer healthy, she no longer could recognize me. I was so grateful to have gotten the opportunity to serve her and love her even though she couldn't give me much in return. 

After the bath I dressed her and put her to bed. I gave her kisses and rubbed her head and told her I would see her the next day. Then my husband and I left and I broke down in a wellspring of tears as we drove from the familiar city of my teenage years.  A week plus later I am still overwhelmed by her human frailty, I have no words of wisdom but rather just a grateful and sad heart that I got to care for the one who still is mi abuela. 

as the world of adoption turns

yesterday we had our adoption home study,never mind we had a foster hone study in Oct.It' s one if those things you have to go through though you know all about what they will say since you are moving from fostering to adopting. still got to go through the hoops.  
 I am reflecting  on our journey. I worried so much about how others would perceive our family, how our kids wouldn't look like us, how much I hated the idea of shopping for a kid. As the journey continued things got unbelievably tough court became difficult. our dream of adopting became a real journey of faith in the midst of zero guarantee . I worked tirelessly to implement therapeutic methods, hyper vigilance all while not focusing on the fear these beautiful kids would disappear and return . still our best was called upon, our hearts were needed to engage to nurture . I suppose I could have chosen not to engage, I could have done the bare minimum but in the midst of the hardships I felt God' s voice saying "I know what your heart' s desire is as and won' t break it!" I have to say at times this wording made me mad. Why icould n' t God just say yeah they aren't going anywhere? Why these words specifically? I believe it was to promote healing for me, to promote trust in heavenly father that is just,honorable,always does the right thing and cares for my heart . I don't know how many Times I put myself in situations that reeked of bad return yet my expectation was for better . As the proverbial bad fruit would arise I would be crushed and wounded, untrusting. 

A Different Kind of Christmas

Tis the seasons to see families together, gifts exchanged, peace and good will towards man. In a home with 3 kids who have lived the majority of their lives in the "system" Christmas is more a time of anxiety and sadness. Sure there is an excitement about classroom parties and gifts but that last but an inkling for my kids who deep down are sad, are grieving the loss of their biological people and wondering why they aren't around. This year adoption is coming to our front step. We go to court to finally cut the last remaining legal ties for our kids to be adoptable. I find it ironic that it's five days before the world celebrates one small babe who was born in terrible circumstances, through a time of fear and the unknown. He was the only child given to this world to bring about restoration to have free access to the Father. His ultimate sacrifice would bring forth peace and a freedom to go to the Father any time any where. Our kids were rescued in the same way, brought about sacrifice, unending love and devotion. We continue to pursue relationship with them, we continue to forgive their antics to keep us at arm's length, we continue to supply truth to their lives and balm for their wounds. I pray this Christmas isn't just about gobs of presents and squeezing through the crowds for that not so perfect present but remembering and accepting that the best present of all is the Savior who came to restore your life. The Savior who sacrificed himself in order that you would have beauty for ashes, peace for your despair, joy for your sadness and a sure ground for you to walk on.

1st moments

There have been so many first I have missed being a soon to be adoptive mom and thus that is why first moments mean so much to me. This week there were two (firsts). Our oldest lost two baby teeth and our youngest skated at a skating ring for the first time. Our youngest was so confident,it never phased him that he'd never done it before. He wanted to go into the ring with all these fast children whipping around and didn't want daddy to hold his hand. Since I had not skated for years I went as well and I did need my middle lady to hold my hand. It was so sweet to me how slow she went. These are the moments I feel so connected to them. 

    For our oldest it wasn't nearly as fun for firsts but money from the tooth fairy quickly heals the woes. Eventually our oldest will find out there is no tooth fairy but for right now I was more than happy to propagate the myth by sewing her a little bag, with a tooth on the front that contained $4. She had to have her teeth pulled because of yuckness and she was so brave. Now she looks like a normal 7 yr old at least in the mouth.I saw other kids that were her same age and realized that indeed she is way smaller than she should be. It's interesting to explain her size to people who know their origin, but for those who don't she was grown in our hearts along with her sister and brother. 

   We get closer to the day were they can be adopted and I can't wait. In my heart I know these are our children. My pastor looked at pictures we posted on line,(another first) and said "when I look at them I know this is right." Thinking about that brings tears to my eyes as it's been a long journey to get here. No one ever talks about how the road to adopting kids feels like the longest birth ever. Have I gained and lost weight in the process? YES. Have I been ridiculously emotional? Check! Have I nested? check! Have I wondered if I will mess them up? check! Only somehow the stakes seem so much higher since they live here. They come with baggage, they come with a past that continues to hinder them in areas of growth, development, attachment and learning.

   I talked with a dear friend a few days ago and we talked of living our dreams and how much we think we should not struggle now that we have attained our dreams of family. Holy moly how hard is it when you add a little person into the mix, or two or three. The definition of family becomes questioned consistently. You wonder if your expectations are valid, you wonder if you are good enough, you wonder what they will be every day. Suddenly in the midst of every day mundane activities they've grown a little taller, a little smarter, more healed and teeth fall out and new ones grow. This happens right before your very eyes, right before all your questions and what ifs,tantrums, broken stuff and lots and lots of tears. 

   However this season I am so thankful for our little people who have been designed for our family. I am so very thankful for our case manager who has been so supportive and gracious to take our case after our previous one was um gone on "permanent vacation". I am thankful for our therapist and how hard they work on figuring out how our kiddos tick. I am thankful for teachers who work hard to help our kiddos. I am thankful for family and friends all over the map from West to East and North to South, who pray without ceasing for them and us. I am thankful to God who makes beautiful things out of dust. 

   I don't know how our next chapter will unfold but I do know that God never changes, His ways are still the same, He cares for us so much He gave his most valuable relationship up for us. I am thankful that God knows me. He knew my kids in the womb and He knows my husband and our need.

I Speak Jive

 Today's blog entry is on communication. I realize this is an artform a science if you well. We pick up how to communicate from our mothers initially as we closely bond to them as our pathways are being created in our too complicated brains. Now if this delicate balance is interrupted, never started and then you pick up language on the fly communication at best is muddled like talking through a can. If your experiences with communication are never tied to how you truly feel and seeing it as a tool to express ideas and feelings well then folks it becomes up the proverbial creek without you know the paddle. In trying to create a healing environment for three kids coming from severe neglect and abuse I have found myself a whole lot less patient with adults who lack skill in this area. Now don't get judgy folks it's where I am at. I don't have the time or the energy to be indirect or  read between the stalks of niceties. I understand for some personality types straight forwardness is challenging but sheesh if you have something to say that is how you feel it's VALID! 

Now I do believe there are rules of engagement if you will. 

Good communication does not

1) Cut the person down

2) is not used to manipulate the person into getting your way

3) tell another friend instead of you

4) stew, fester and then blow up because you can't get it out

Good communication does

1.) say yes when they mean yes or no when they mean no

2) communicate personal boundaries/expectations

3)further friendship

4)LISTEN

5)only shares advise when asked

6)challenge 

7)stays respectful

8) Nurtures

9) Inquires

Now I am the type of person who feels free to be ornary when I feel close enough to a person. I do not ever wish to make a person feel less then, offend or cut down. I do however like to bother with comments such as "sheesh it's cause I am brown" or wow looking like you are going for a leg warmer event, so you aren't shaving, or you are tOOOO hot for the atrocity of this dress you tried on!  I like to lighten the mood with funny witty comments but when it gets down to business and being real about where I am at I find not many can handle my unloading. I don't unload in a manner that requires the hearer to fix it, or even offer advice. I just want to be heard and if I should feel like I need a "hey what do you think?" I have no problems asking. Now when communication becomes um how do I put it indirect, mean, finger pointing or judgy I get pretty bugged out. If you feel like cussing someone out because your day has sucked GO kick a tree. If you feel like I can't tell you how I really feel because you won't be my friend COME ON it isn't 1st grade anymore. My little ones say such things when they don't get their way too. When you respect someone you listen! You take their feelings under consideration but for crying out out loud USE YOUR WORDS!!!. Even though communication is an art form, a craft and a science if you see there are continual issues with you and others dying in the desert because you are there 40 yrs learn a  new skill. You don't have to take on what the other person says, You are a worth sharing and just as valid as the next person.

He will give me rest!

 This week seems like a million years long. I had 3 kid appointments in two days not to mention a holiday thrown in for good measure just as school is starting and kids were off last week for 3 "hurricane days". At the o.t. evaluation it was confirmed that my kids need help and my suspicions were correct, for some reason this made me incredibly sad. I fell apart talking to my B.F. not even knowing why I was crying and she said because it's sad. I thought yeah it  is my kids need help even though they are "normal" on the outside even what the heck charming their issues run deep, they run complicated and I still have to put guardian when I fill out forms. It seems so unjust at this point that I still have to say yeah I am the foster mom and not just their MOM!!!! Yeah I am their MOM, I hold their hands because doctors creep them out, I hold them like infants when life seems to crash in on them even when all that was asked was for them to read a word on their homework sheet they've read 700 times!!! Then after such bonding occurs there may or may not be 2 days of wild crazy, mean, inattentive, disobedient and did I say crazy behavior because such is the life of a kid with attachment disorder. I feel sad that today is my oldest birthday and I can't really celebrate the way I would with a healed kid. I would run down the street with a banner HEY IT'S MY KID'S BIRTHDAY AND I THINK THEY ROCK!!!! I am thankful they are in the world and oh how I wish I could have been there to hold them and cradle them and sing to them, normal things moms and dads get to do with their babies. Instead I have to play tons of catch up because they are 7 and 6 and don't even know why the got left behind and abandoned. Most of the time I see how such lack of pivotal infant bonding has messed with their heads and hearts. Their brains don't work like everyone else's even though they are sooooo CUTE!!! Even though they can make you laugh at their funniness, even though they love to go for Chinese food (not really eating the Chinese) but to them it's family. They feel connected to us when we take them there.  

 Today is my oldest birthday and half the time she looks like this hamster looks, "what?? how did I get in this cup? IT's A CUP? WHAT? Oh wait I meant to be here....no you put me here... What I'm hungry!" God bless this girl; she's a hot mess but I love her  to death. I couldn't love her more if she really was my biology and still we wait to make this final. Still we have to prove what we already know in our hearts and what they hope and pray for, that we are their forever family. Being in this place of holding sucks for all of us. While I know their past is part of them I still hate having to tell people of consequence where they came from and what they are having to fight because their isn't anything I could do to turn the clock. I forget now that I am still "FOSTER MOM" until I have to write it on a form or someone asks "oh it's final right?" It hurts because this is our life now mom by choice of three blessed  rebel rousers . They keep me busier than a one armed paper hanger. The O.T. said I am tired just listening to ya. I had to laugh. Most days I am so tired it's hard to keep going but I do and manage to work out, amazing how that works even though I would rather eat donuts and drink wine. My wish list for help is as follows : 

Someone dropping off dinner

mowing and weeding my yard

free massage

pedicure

STARBUCKS gift card

hanging out with ladies

no asking how they are 

Caring for my kids for a weekend

helping my kid out with homework

Someone to wash and detail my car

Anyone want in on that deal let me know, no questions asked. Much love !!

      Yesterday I celebrated my XX birthday. My hubby mentioned all the things we have accomplished since we started our journey together and it was very encouraging to know all we've done by the time this birthday has come around. We spent the morning and early afternoon hitting yard sales towards a beach resort town with our little dude while the girls were at school. This year we treated the kids for ice cream for my birthday since my hubby's was going to take me out for dinner and dessert. We talked and ran into an old friend. It was nice to be alone with my husband and feel like and clean adult. I know I say this a lot but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a mother of 3 instantly at this age. People who haven't seen me in a while or at all and know our family situation ask so it's official "they are adopted" and I have to say nope not yet. 
    Yesterday of the many times we tried not to about the kids we talked about how we would both cry the day we get to stand in court and have it be official. We both couldn't imagine our lives without them. I got to together the day before with some of my girlfriends, had lunch at Roly Poly and shopped. It has been such a long time since I was together with a bunch of women shopping. :O) I even got cool presents and am awaiting gourmet cupcakes from another friend; no doubt full of love. It's wonderful to know you are loved. :O) Hopefully next week I will have lunch with another lovely friend of mine.( Ya know stretching out this birthday gig as long as possible).