A Different Kind of Christmas

Tis the seasons to see families together, gifts exchanged, peace and good will towards man. In a home with 3 kids who have lived the majority of their lives in the "system" Christmas is more a time of anxiety and sadness. Sure there is an excitement about classroom parties and gifts but that last but an inkling for my kids who deep down are sad, are grieving the loss of their biological people and wondering why they aren't around. This year adoption is coming to our front step. We go to court to finally cut the last remaining legal ties for our kids to be adoptable. I find it ironic that it's five days before the world celebrates one small babe who was born in terrible circumstances, through a time of fear and the unknown. He was the only child given to this world to bring about restoration to have free access to the Father. His ultimate sacrifice would bring forth peace and a freedom to go to the Father any time any where. Our kids were rescued in the same way, brought about sacrifice, unending love and devotion. We continue to pursue relationship with them, we continue to forgive their antics to keep us at arm's length, we continue to supply truth to their lives and balm for their wounds. I pray this Christmas isn't just about gobs of presents and squeezing through the crowds for that not so perfect present but remembering and accepting that the best present of all is the Savior who came to restore your life. The Savior who sacrificed himself in order that you would have beauty for ashes, peace for your despair, joy for your sadness and a sure ground for you to walk on.

1st moments

There have been so many first I have missed being a soon to be adoptive mom and thus that is why first moments mean so much to me. This week there were two (firsts). Our oldest lost two baby teeth and our youngest skated at a skating ring for the first time. Our youngest was so confident,it never phased him that he'd never done it before. He wanted to go into the ring with all these fast children whipping around and didn't want daddy to hold his hand. Since I had not skated for years I went as well and I did need my middle lady to hold my hand. It was so sweet to me how slow she went. These are the moments I feel so connected to them. 

    For our oldest it wasn't nearly as fun for firsts but money from the tooth fairy quickly heals the woes. Eventually our oldest will find out there is no tooth fairy but for right now I was more than happy to propagate the myth by sewing her a little bag, with a tooth on the front that contained $4. She had to have her teeth pulled because of yuckness and she was so brave. Now she looks like a normal 7 yr old at least in the mouth.I saw other kids that were her same age and realized that indeed she is way smaller than she should be. It's interesting to explain her size to people who know their origin, but for those who don't she was grown in our hearts along with her sister and brother. 

   We get closer to the day were they can be adopted and I can't wait. In my heart I know these are our children. My pastor looked at pictures we posted on line,(another first) and said "when I look at them I know this is right." Thinking about that brings tears to my eyes as it's been a long journey to get here. No one ever talks about how the road to adopting kids feels like the longest birth ever. Have I gained and lost weight in the process? YES. Have I been ridiculously emotional? Check! Have I nested? check! Have I wondered if I will mess them up? check! Only somehow the stakes seem so much higher since they live here. They come with baggage, they come with a past that continues to hinder them in areas of growth, development, attachment and learning.

   I talked with a dear friend a few days ago and we talked of living our dreams and how much we think we should not struggle now that we have attained our dreams of family. Holy moly how hard is it when you add a little person into the mix, or two or three. The definition of family becomes questioned consistently. You wonder if your expectations are valid, you wonder if you are good enough, you wonder what they will be every day. Suddenly in the midst of every day mundane activities they've grown a little taller, a little smarter, more healed and teeth fall out and new ones grow. This happens right before your very eyes, right before all your questions and what ifs,tantrums, broken stuff and lots and lots of tears. 

   However this season I am so thankful for our little people who have been designed for our family. I am so very thankful for our case manager who has been so supportive and gracious to take our case after our previous one was um gone on "permanent vacation". I am thankful for our therapist and how hard they work on figuring out how our kiddos tick. I am thankful for teachers who work hard to help our kiddos. I am thankful for family and friends all over the map from West to East and North to South, who pray without ceasing for them and us. I am thankful to God who makes beautiful things out of dust. 

   I don't know how our next chapter will unfold but I do know that God never changes, His ways are still the same, He cares for us so much He gave his most valuable relationship up for us. I am thankful that God knows me. He knew my kids in the womb and He knows my husband and our need.

I Speak Jive

 Today's blog entry is on communication. I realize this is an artform a science if you well. We pick up how to communicate from our mothers initially as we closely bond to them as our pathways are being created in our too complicated brains. Now if this delicate balance is interrupted, never started and then you pick up language on the fly communication at best is muddled like talking through a can. If your experiences with communication are never tied to how you truly feel and seeing it as a tool to express ideas and feelings well then folks it becomes up the proverbial creek without you know the paddle. In trying to create a healing environment for three kids coming from severe neglect and abuse I have found myself a whole lot less patient with adults who lack skill in this area. Now don't get judgy folks it's where I am at. I don't have the time or the energy to be indirect or  read between the stalks of niceties. I understand for some personality types straight forwardness is challenging but sheesh if you have something to say that is how you feel it's VALID! 

Now I do believe there are rules of engagement if you will. 

Good communication does not

1) Cut the person down

2) is not used to manipulate the person into getting your way

3) tell another friend instead of you

4) stew, fester and then blow up because you can't get it out

Good communication does

1.) say yes when they mean yes or no when they mean no

2) communicate personal boundaries/expectations

3)further friendship

4)LISTEN

5)only shares advise when asked

6)challenge 

7)stays respectful

8) Nurtures

9) Inquires

Now I am the type of person who feels free to be ornary when I feel close enough to a person. I do not ever wish to make a person feel less then, offend or cut down. I do however like to bother with comments such as "sheesh it's cause I am brown" or wow looking like you are going for a leg warmer event, so you aren't shaving, or you are tOOOO hot for the atrocity of this dress you tried on!  I like to lighten the mood with funny witty comments but when it gets down to business and being real about where I am at I find not many can handle my unloading. I don't unload in a manner that requires the hearer to fix it, or even offer advice. I just want to be heard and if I should feel like I need a "hey what do you think?" I have no problems asking. Now when communication becomes um how do I put it indirect, mean, finger pointing or judgy I get pretty bugged out. If you feel like cussing someone out because your day has sucked GO kick a tree. If you feel like I can't tell you how I really feel because you won't be my friend COME ON it isn't 1st grade anymore. My little ones say such things when they don't get their way too. When you respect someone you listen! You take their feelings under consideration but for crying out out loud USE YOUR WORDS!!!. Even though communication is an art form, a craft and a science if you see there are continual issues with you and others dying in the desert because you are there 40 yrs learn a  new skill. You don't have to take on what the other person says, You are a worth sharing and just as valid as the next person.

He will give me rest!

 This week seems like a million years long. I had 3 kid appointments in two days not to mention a holiday thrown in for good measure just as school is starting and kids were off last week for 3 "hurricane days". At the o.t. evaluation it was confirmed that my kids need help and my suspicions were correct, for some reason this made me incredibly sad. I fell apart talking to my B.F. not even knowing why I was crying and she said because it's sad. I thought yeah it  is my kids need help even though they are "normal" on the outside even what the heck charming their issues run deep, they run complicated and I still have to put guardian when I fill out forms. It seems so unjust at this point that I still have to say yeah I am the foster mom and not just their MOM!!!! Yeah I am their MOM, I hold their hands because doctors creep them out, I hold them like infants when life seems to crash in on them even when all that was asked was for them to read a word on their homework sheet they've read 700 times!!! Then after such bonding occurs there may or may not be 2 days of wild crazy, mean, inattentive, disobedient and did I say crazy behavior because such is the life of a kid with attachment disorder. I feel sad that today is my oldest birthday and I can't really celebrate the way I would with a healed kid. I would run down the street with a banner HEY IT'S MY KID'S BIRTHDAY AND I THINK THEY ROCK!!!! I am thankful they are in the world and oh how I wish I could have been there to hold them and cradle them and sing to them, normal things moms and dads get to do with their babies. Instead I have to play tons of catch up because they are 7 and 6 and don't even know why the got left behind and abandoned. Most of the time I see how such lack of pivotal infant bonding has messed with their heads and hearts. Their brains don't work like everyone else's even though they are sooooo CUTE!!! Even though they can make you laugh at their funniness, even though they love to go for Chinese food (not really eating the Chinese) but to them it's family. They feel connected to us when we take them there.  

 Today is my oldest birthday and half the time she looks like this hamster looks, "what?? how did I get in this cup? IT's A CUP? WHAT? Oh wait I meant to be here....no you put me here... What I'm hungry!" God bless this girl; she's a hot mess but I love her  to death. I couldn't love her more if she really was my biology and still we wait to make this final. Still we have to prove what we already know in our hearts and what they hope and pray for, that we are their forever family. Being in this place of holding sucks for all of us. While I know their past is part of them I still hate having to tell people of consequence where they came from and what they are having to fight because their isn't anything I could do to turn the clock. I forget now that I am still "FOSTER MOM" until I have to write it on a form or someone asks "oh it's final right?" It hurts because this is our life now mom by choice of three blessed  rebel rousers . They keep me busier than a one armed paper hanger. The O.T. said I am tired just listening to ya. I had to laugh. Most days I am so tired it's hard to keep going but I do and manage to work out, amazing how that works even though I would rather eat donuts and drink wine. My wish list for help is as follows : 

Someone dropping off dinner

mowing and weeding my yard

free massage

pedicure

STARBUCKS gift card

hanging out with ladies

no asking how they are 

Caring for my kids for a weekend

helping my kid out with homework

Someone to wash and detail my car

Anyone want in on that deal let me know, no questions asked. Much love !!

      Yesterday I celebrated my XX birthday. My hubby mentioned all the things we have accomplished since we started our journey together and it was very encouraging to know all we've done by the time this birthday has come around. We spent the morning and early afternoon hitting yard sales towards a beach resort town with our little dude while the girls were at school. This year we treated the kids for ice cream for my birthday since my hubby's was going to take me out for dinner and dessert. We talked and ran into an old friend. It was nice to be alone with my husband and feel like and clean adult. I know I say this a lot but never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a mother of 3 instantly at this age. People who haven't seen me in a while or at all and know our family situation ask so it's official "they are adopted" and I have to say nope not yet. 
    Yesterday of the many times we tried not to about the kids we talked about how we would both cry the day we get to stand in court and have it be official. We both couldn't imagine our lives without them. I got to together the day before with some of my girlfriends, had lunch at Roly Poly and shopped. It has been such a long time since I was together with a bunch of women shopping. :O) I even got cool presents and am awaiting gourmet cupcakes from another friend; no doubt full of love. It's wonderful to know you are loved. :O) Hopefully next week I will have lunch with another lovely friend of mine.( Ya know stretching out this birthday gig as long as possible).

Love at a 7-11

This past week I reconnected with my mother's side of the family due to the unfortunate and untimely passing of one of my uncles. I had not been with this side in over 11 years and to say much has changed is rather an understatement. I felt like the young prodigal coming home. So much of my mom's family are interconnected through marriages, births, deaths and divorces. I was happy to see them though the reason was sour. I was happy to hear their stories and their struggles and it brought me to the idea of poems for the stories I had heard. The following poem is for my cousin Lenny and his second wife Susan.

                                                             Love at a 7-11

Hi" was all he would say 

  as he went by the way.

 He so happily volunteered 

 for things that were needed.

 with wanting interest

and so came more trips 

 for little here and there.

                                                      

                                                     

"Are you just gonna say hi?"

was the question she asked.

Many trips later she would try

"Are you gonna ask me out?"

 Indeed there was love on her mind

 more than simple dating did sprout.

 Love at a 7-11 he did find 

 after all the shy glances 

and smiles did deliver.

Love at a 7-11

was serving 2 extra kids for dinner.
4 and no more was the answer
to my question
of their love and affection.

                                                      

                                                   

Healing From Fictional Words

I've never been one to absorb fiction on a consistent basis as I seem to really immerse myself in relationships. When I have needed a break I mostly go to "self-help" because when I needed answers I wanted them without all the fluff. As of late in my life I needed escape only to find the answers I needed much more slowly. I began by watching a series of movies that delved into the horror/fantasy/young adult romance category. Then I decided I needed to know how it all really began and really ended since they were based on novels. Over short weeks I about consumed the set of 4 lengthy novels. I digested the characters...I purchased most of the movies...I let my mental life stay there for a little while looking for some reprieve from the daily challenges I have had. Surprisingly enough I found more than just escape. In connection with these novels and therapy ( feeling an Oprah moment here) I found a long since closed door finally open. The innocence and passion of truly loving someone that makes my heart, mind and body tingle. The excitement of not being afraid, of not holding back and of truly accepting this person's courage and adventurousness. I remembered what it was like to feel tickled to be lost in thinking about holding this other person...
   Then as I finished this set of novels I started another. Somehow I found three out of the four of the set at a thrift store. Though the pace is nearly not as gripping I found myself in there as well. I cried as I read one character finally coming out of a cloak of grief. I remembered myself and feeling free of things from years past and my mind passing over fuzzy mental snapshots of these three beautiful children that have brought me to a place of dealing with my childhood. Amazing how fiction can open the door to yourself in a subtle and shocking way without your knowledge. (For being awake by 3 ish I am surprised I seem lucid at all.... but here are my rantings none the less). Pick up a book or two or 6 if you feel so inclined, enjoy them and let them rearrange you a bit.

Secret Getaway

As foster families it's important to get a way!!! So do to the blessing of the Lord we are able to go to a hotel on the beach for the weekend. We are so excited to be celebrating Valentine's early with just the two of us! Hopefully everyone else is thinking about how wonderful it is to be with your soul mate. Happy Early Valentines!! 

The Sacrifice of Borrowed Motherhood

This sculpture came to mind when I thought of my current situation of being a foster mom. My days thus far have only been borrowed. Most folks who don't know or our family don't know the children we love and care for are foster children. They have been with us 14 months and we are in love with them. We've been in and out of court with their goal being changed here and there because of the law and what it says. 

What I've chosen to do is to put into them the best I can. I see more and more everyday their disadvantages and how they struggle with normal situations. I see they have seen abuse and neglect immeasurable and yet they are not free to adopt. I am reminded of the borrowed time every time their social worker makes her monthly surprise visit.  I thought I had missed it when my husband was home instead of me; but no she came again today. My heart breaks every time I think I might have to part with them to a place that will have no hope or help. That I find it to be the hardest but my  physical presence quickly moves to the their immediate daily needs while in the back of my minds I wonder will I get to kiss them goodnight for much longer... tooth brushing x 3, homework x 2, interminable potty training. This is my sacrifice of love to them and I hope that it changes them no matter the outcome.

" I want to be somebody's Gerry"

 I watched this great chick flick called "P.s. I love you" and as always there's a whirlwind of emotion. This movie is not just a fluff happy ending where it just seems too ridiculous for words. It's about crazy love and crazy loss. Sometimes love hits you in the heart and you feel like you can't breathe then it changes and grows into something much different. For some it tanks and leaves you empty, betrayed, used and full of questions. Sometimes you are lifted up where eagles fly sort of speak...wink wink. When you find a love that loves you with all your worts that is worth fighting for. I am not talking about a person who treats you like dirt and mistakenly think you can change them by the power of your love; that's called work friends not love. I am blessed enough to have a marriage of nearly 12 years (to the same man I might add) and I feel one with this individual. I feel a greater version of myself. In the flick mentioned above the woman who's deeply in love has her husband (Gerry) die. Gerry leads her through her grief by leaving behind all sorts of letters that come to her in all sorts of ways to give her plan of how to proceed. Towards the end of the film as the woman comes to know who she is after the love of her life dies she confides in a male friend. The said male friend was hopes to have more and continues to realize that she is not over Gerry and he says " I want to be somebody's Gerry". I heard those words and I thought yes I get it, that quest for love to find that one person that you can't imagine not doing life with and vica versa. Ah love it's so much more that just the original dance of wondering do they feel, will it be reciprocated, is it going some where? Are they really that great or just an awesome con person stringing along a lot of other hopeful women..(oh the Bachelor comes to mind but lets not digress too much). 


    If you are committed to marriage you commit to so much more than you really bargain for no matter how you find it or how it finds you. Commitment seems to be such a disposable word now a days. Divorce happens for insane reasons and so quickly gets bitter and ugly. But commitment man that's work.... it's not like the great wedding cards that say hope your lives are filled with loving, laughing and all around perfection. Life is messy so very messy but wrapped in the commitment of love it's like bacon; something strong, protein based and keeps you going. :O) 


    So for those that have made the commitment, keep going for if you keep working at it it will bring great reward. For those on the pursuit remember that you are worthy of a mate that loves you, cares for you and is always in your corner. 
XoXooooXXXXXOOOOO