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Dedicated to my sisters from another mother

        I have come to a conclusion that women hurt other women. Sometimes it's intentional, vengeful, hateful, unkind and jealous. Sometimes it's without intention, accidental, unknowingly and yet it still wounds. So I am here in a world where the enemy uses us to either intentionally or not to hurt to hurt each other, to say something good, something loving, hopefully life bringing and healing. 
       There is so much beauty to be had when you love yourself with all it's flaws. People see the truth of you and love you for it. If you haven't found it yet, I promise you it's out there. You go looking for good you will find it, God will provide positive nurturing women in your life. Be bravely scared to ask Him. Knock and He will open. 
     For all the times you hated yourself because that old tape of lies plays in your head I'm here to say the following; (inspired by a great poem from Maya Angelou: Phenomenal Woman) 

If you have never felt like "pretty women wonder where my secret lies", I'm here to tell you that's it's in you. Beauty is in you!!!! Not the girl next you, not the person behind you or in front of you but YOU! I could insert a mess of women's name in there that I personally know but I will leave you to insert yourself. 
     If you have never felt like you have "an inner mystery" I am telling you do!! You aren't ugly, you aren't stupid, you aren't a waste of time, you mam are a PHENOMENAL WOMAN! You are worth honor, respect and time! I don't care if you aren't educated, unemployed, 25 pounds too heavy or too light, or bald, or missing teeth, YOU  are the crowning of God's creation. He made woman and then said it was good, He rested. So rest in His truth not the lies you've eaten. When someone compliments you say "thank you" and chew on that truth, masticate it like a cow, chew that mess up, regurgitate and chew it again until it becomes the truth for you. Let women who are comfortable in themselves love you. Let them hold your hand and walk with you towards healing truth. 

Sisterhood of the traveling pants.
A movie where women love each other and are in each other's corner

    If your head has been bowed I am here to remind you God is the lifter of your head!! Let Him lift you! 
    

At what point did I feel like a mom?

I got asked the following question "At what point did I fee like a mom?" I sat there sort of shell shocked by the question because I didn't give birth, I didn't breast feed, I didn't get that baby pee baptism, I didn't feel a new life taking over my body from the inside out. I adopted, we adopted not one but 3! So as a I sat and thought about others responses I started to get teary eyed and asked myself how could I answer this and not be Debbie downer to others beautiful experiences? I decided to not answer because as I thought about moments where I felt I am their mom they had an undertone of sadness because we fought for so long to finally say I AM THEIR MOM!! Their birth certificates say so. It wasn't easy, it wasn't something we counted it on, it was touch and go there for a real long time! So I am grateful for milestone moments in their lives because I didn't get so many early ones. Honestly it does pain me that I missed that because they are my kids and I can't imagine that I missed all that those first.

      Something lovely happened though from all my listening and being on the brink of tears. I heard other bio moms say they had missed out too due to other forces at work in their lives. That was soothing to my heart. It was soothing to hear one mom say she didn't know how to introduce herself because of circumstances in her life. I wasn't alone, the why was different but still I wasn't alone. This is community folks in the body of Christ. This is the way it's suppose to look like. Receiving each other's story and finding that you don't have to be alone anymore. There are so many facets to being a mom, a believer, a wife, a friend, a church volunteer, a whatever you want to name but these moments are the moments that are so pure and where I feel God holding my hand through someone else's flesh and saying "I get you."

Visiting my abuela (grandmother) this summer it happened to be her 85 birthday. I did not find the rather warm and squishy petite woman I was so use to seeing. Instead I saw a very frail frizzy haired lady who didn't recognize me. I introduced myself and she was so shocked to see me suddenly although I had been standing there a while. She told me she didn't know I was in town and continued to kiss my hand and tell me how much she missed me. I introduced my husband again although she had met him years ago and she she petted me on the arm often. Then she would look at me in a quizzical way and ask me my name again. This happened about every 10 minutes or so while my uncle and I tried to force feed her. If this wasn't hard enough I offered to bath her to give my uncle a break for an evening. 

We shuffled down the hall while I got her to sing a praise song because she loved singing in church many moons ago. We praised God for the whole shuffle as she sang "Jesus is a faithful friend" in Spanish. When we finally did arrive at the bathroom I began to help her undress and I wasn't prepared for the scar on her chest where one breast use to be. I wasn't prepared to find she had been sitting in her own stool for a while and didn't realize it, she was embarrassed when I told her I had to clean her. My grandmother has always been a simply minded person yet so kind and caring. If she felt you hadn't eaten, or needing more to eat regardless of the fact you just ate she would feed you plenty with loads of butter and bread. She was the woman who would sneak me extra recess money for school so I wouldn't be sad. Here she was at her most vulnerable as a human being. Here she was 85, a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother who had won over breast cancer though she didn't know it. She now has stage 4 cancer in her hip, lungs and recently her spine. Days before she had been through 14 treatments of radiation and all she would say to me over and over after our introductions was I've been sick, I have asthma and I went to the doctor. 

Finally I eased her into her chair in the shower stall and got the water temperature to her liking I started washing her hair as she told me how good I was to her and how much she loved me. My grandmother had given me baths as a child in her home and now it was my turn to return the favor. Somehow you just never think you'll be there though you know always they are older than you. She was no longer strong, she was no longer healthy, she no longer could recognize me. I was so grateful to have gotten the opportunity to serve her and love her even though she couldn't give me much in return. 

After the bath I dressed her and put her to bed. I gave her kisses and rubbed her head and told her I would see her the next day. Then my husband and I left and I broke down in a wellspring of tears as we drove from the familiar city of my teenage years.  A week plus later I am still overwhelmed by her human frailty, I have no words of wisdom but rather just a grateful and sad heart that I got to care for the one who still is mi abuela. 

as the world of adoption turns

yesterday we had our adoption home study,never mind we had a foster hone study in Oct.It' s one if those things you have to go through though you know all about what they will say since you are moving from fostering to adopting. still got to go through the hoops.  
 I am reflecting  on our journey. I worried so much about how others would perceive our family, how our kids wouldn't look like us, how much I hated the idea of shopping for a kid. As the journey continued things got unbelievably tough court became difficult. our dream of adopting became a real journey of faith in the midst of zero guarantee . I worked tirelessly to implement therapeutic methods, hyper vigilance all while not focusing on the fear these beautiful kids would disappear and return . still our best was called upon, our hearts were needed to engage to nurture . I suppose I could have chosen not to engage, I could have done the bare minimum but in the midst of the hardships I felt God' s voice saying "I know what your heart' s desire is as and won' t break it!" I have to say at times this wording made me mad. Why icould n' t God just say yeah they aren't going anywhere? Why these words specifically? I believe it was to promote healing for me, to promote trust in heavenly father that is just,honorable,always does the right thing and cares for my heart . I don't know how many Times I put myself in situations that reeked of bad return yet my expectation was for better . As the proverbial bad fruit would arise I would be crushed and wounded, untrusting. 

A Different Kind of Christmas

Tis the seasons to see families together, gifts exchanged, peace and good will towards man. In a home with 3 kids who have lived the majority of their lives in the "system" Christmas is more a time of anxiety and sadness. Sure there is an excitement about classroom parties and gifts but that last but an inkling for my kids who deep down are sad, are grieving the loss of their biological people and wondering why they aren't around. This year adoption is coming to our front step. We go to court to finally cut the last remaining legal ties for our kids to be adoptable. I find it ironic that it's five days before the world celebrates one small babe who was born in terrible circumstances, through a time of fear and the unknown. He was the only child given to this world to bring about restoration to have free access to the Father. His ultimate sacrifice would bring forth peace and a freedom to go to the Father any time any where. Our kids were rescued in the same way, brought about sacrifice, unending love and devotion. We continue to pursue relationship with them, we continue to forgive their antics to keep us at arm's length, we continue to supply truth to their lives and balm for their wounds. I pray this Christmas isn't just about gobs of presents and squeezing through the crowds for that not so perfect present but remembering and accepting that the best present of all is the Savior who came to restore your life. The Savior who sacrificed himself in order that you would have beauty for ashes, peace for your despair, joy for your sadness and a sure ground for you to walk on.

1st moments

There have been so many first I have missed being a soon to be adoptive mom and thus that is why first moments mean so much to me. This week there were two (firsts). Our oldest lost two baby teeth and our youngest skated at a skating ring for the first time. Our youngest was so confident,it never phased him that he'd never done it before. He wanted to go into the ring with all these fast children whipping around and didn't want daddy to hold his hand. Since I had not skated for years I went as well and I did need my middle lady to hold my hand. It was so sweet to me how slow she went. These are the moments I feel so connected to them. 

    For our oldest it wasn't nearly as fun for firsts but money from the tooth fairy quickly heals the woes. Eventually our oldest will find out there is no tooth fairy but for right now I was more than happy to propagate the myth by sewing her a little bag, with a tooth on the front that contained $4. She had to have her teeth pulled because of yuckness and she was so brave. Now she looks like a normal 7 yr old at least in the mouth.I saw other kids that were her same age and realized that indeed she is way smaller than she should be. It's interesting to explain her size to people who know their origin, but for those who don't she was grown in our hearts along with her sister and brother. 

   We get closer to the day were they can be adopted and I can't wait. In my heart I know these are our children. My pastor looked at pictures we posted on line,(another first) and said "when I look at them I know this is right." Thinking about that brings tears to my eyes as it's been a long journey to get here. No one ever talks about how the road to adopting kids feels like the longest birth ever. Have I gained and lost weight in the process? YES. Have I been ridiculously emotional? Check! Have I nested? check! Have I wondered if I will mess them up? check! Only somehow the stakes seem so much higher since they live here. They come with baggage, they come with a past that continues to hinder them in areas of growth, development, attachment and learning.

   I talked with a dear friend a few days ago and we talked of living our dreams and how much we think we should not struggle now that we have attained our dreams of family. Holy moly how hard is it when you add a little person into the mix, or two or three. The definition of family becomes questioned consistently. You wonder if your expectations are valid, you wonder if you are good enough, you wonder what they will be every day. Suddenly in the midst of every day mundane activities they've grown a little taller, a little smarter, more healed and teeth fall out and new ones grow. This happens right before your very eyes, right before all your questions and what ifs,tantrums, broken stuff and lots and lots of tears. 

   However this season I am so thankful for our little people who have been designed for our family. I am so very thankful for our case manager who has been so supportive and gracious to take our case after our previous one was um gone on "permanent vacation". I am thankful for our therapist and how hard they work on figuring out how our kiddos tick. I am thankful for teachers who work hard to help our kiddos. I am thankful for family and friends all over the map from West to East and North to South, who pray without ceasing for them and us. I am thankful to God who makes beautiful things out of dust. 

   I don't know how our next chapter will unfold but I do know that God never changes, His ways are still the same, He cares for us so much He gave his most valuable relationship up for us. I am thankful that God knows me. He knew my kids in the womb and He knows my husband and our need.