Love at a 7-11

This past week I reconnected with my mother's side of the family due to the unfortunate and untimely passing of one of my uncles. I had not been with this side in over 11 years and to say much has changed is rather an understatement. I felt like the young prodigal coming home. So much of my mom's family are interconnected through marriages, births, deaths and divorces. I was happy to see them though the reason was sour. I was happy to hear their stories and their struggles and it brought me to the idea of poems for the stories I had heard. The following poem is for my cousin Lenny and his second wife Susan.

                                                             Love at a 7-11

Hi" was all he would say 

  as he went by the way.

 He so happily volunteered 

 for things that were needed.

 with wanting interest

and so came more trips 

 for little here and there.

                                                      

                                                     

"Are you just gonna say hi?"

was the question she asked.

Many trips later she would try

"Are you gonna ask me out?"

 Indeed there was love on her mind

 more than simple dating did sprout.

 Love at a 7-11 he did find 

 after all the shy glances 

and smiles did deliver.

Love at a 7-11

was serving 2 extra kids for dinner.
4 and no more was the answer
to my question
of their love and affection.

                                                      

                                                   

Healing From Fictional Words

I've never been one to absorb fiction on a consistent basis as I seem to really immerse myself in relationships. When I have needed a break I mostly go to "self-help" because when I needed answers I wanted them without all the fluff. As of late in my life I needed escape only to find the answers I needed much more slowly. I began by watching a series of movies that delved into the horror/fantasy/young adult romance category. Then I decided I needed to know how it all really began and really ended since they were based on novels. Over short weeks I about consumed the set of 4 lengthy novels. I digested the characters...I purchased most of the movies...I let my mental life stay there for a little while looking for some reprieve from the daily challenges I have had. Surprisingly enough I found more than just escape. In connection with these novels and therapy ( feeling an Oprah moment here) I found a long since closed door finally open. The innocence and passion of truly loving someone that makes my heart, mind and body tingle. The excitement of not being afraid, of not holding back and of truly accepting this person's courage and adventurousness. I remembered what it was like to feel tickled to be lost in thinking about holding this other person...
   Then as I finished this set of novels I started another. Somehow I found three out of the four of the set at a thrift store. Though the pace is nearly not as gripping I found myself in there as well. I cried as I read one character finally coming out of a cloak of grief. I remembered myself and feeling free of things from years past and my mind passing over fuzzy mental snapshots of these three beautiful children that have brought me to a place of dealing with my childhood. Amazing how fiction can open the door to yourself in a subtle and shocking way without your knowledge. (For being awake by 3 ish I am surprised I seem lucid at all.... but here are my rantings none the less). Pick up a book or two or 6 if you feel so inclined, enjoy them and let them rearrange you a bit.

Secret Getaway

As foster families it's important to get a way!!! So do to the blessing of the Lord we are able to go to a hotel on the beach for the weekend. We are so excited to be celebrating Valentine's early with just the two of us! Hopefully everyone else is thinking about how wonderful it is to be with your soul mate. Happy Early Valentines!! 

The Sacrifice of Borrowed Motherhood

This sculpture came to mind when I thought of my current situation of being a foster mom. My days thus far have only been borrowed. Most folks who don't know or our family don't know the children we love and care for are foster children. They have been with us 14 months and we are in love with them. We've been in and out of court with their goal being changed here and there because of the law and what it says. 

What I've chosen to do is to put into them the best I can. I see more and more everyday their disadvantages and how they struggle with normal situations. I see they have seen abuse and neglect immeasurable and yet they are not free to adopt. I am reminded of the borrowed time every time their social worker makes her monthly surprise visit.  I thought I had missed it when my husband was home instead of me; but no she came again today. My heart breaks every time I think I might have to part with them to a place that will have no hope or help. That I find it to be the hardest but my  physical presence quickly moves to the their immediate daily needs while in the back of my minds I wonder will I get to kiss them goodnight for much longer... tooth brushing x 3, homework x 2, interminable potty training. This is my sacrifice of love to them and I hope that it changes them no matter the outcome.

" I want to be somebody's Gerry"

 I watched this great chick flick called "P.s. I love you" and as always there's a whirlwind of emotion. This movie is not just a fluff happy ending where it just seems too ridiculous for words. It's about crazy love and crazy loss. Sometimes love hits you in the heart and you feel like you can't breathe then it changes and grows into something much different. For some it tanks and leaves you empty, betrayed, used and full of questions. Sometimes you are lifted up where eagles fly sort of speak...wink wink. When you find a love that loves you with all your worts that is worth fighting for. I am not talking about a person who treats you like dirt and mistakenly think you can change them by the power of your love; that's called work friends not love. I am blessed enough to have a marriage of nearly 12 years (to the same man I might add) and I feel one with this individual. I feel a greater version of myself. In the flick mentioned above the woman who's deeply in love has her husband (Gerry) die. Gerry leads her through her grief by leaving behind all sorts of letters that come to her in all sorts of ways to give her plan of how to proceed. Towards the end of the film as the woman comes to know who she is after the love of her life dies she confides in a male friend. The said male friend was hopes to have more and continues to realize that she is not over Gerry and he says " I want to be somebody's Gerry". I heard those words and I thought yes I get it, that quest for love to find that one person that you can't imagine not doing life with and vica versa. Ah love it's so much more that just the original dance of wondering do they feel, will it be reciprocated, is it going some where? Are they really that great or just an awesome con person stringing along a lot of other hopeful women..(oh the Bachelor comes to mind but lets not digress too much). 


    If you are committed to marriage you commit to so much more than you really bargain for no matter how you find it or how it finds you. Commitment seems to be such a disposable word now a days. Divorce happens for insane reasons and so quickly gets bitter and ugly. But commitment man that's work.... it's not like the great wedding cards that say hope your lives are filled with loving, laughing and all around perfection. Life is messy so very messy but wrapped in the commitment of love it's like bacon; something strong, protein based and keeps you going. :O) 


    So for those that have made the commitment, keep going for if you keep working at it it will bring great reward. For those on the pursuit remember that you are worthy of a mate that loves you, cares for you and is always in your corner. 
XoXooooXXXXXOOOOO

The Secret Weapon of Praise

    Currently we are in the month of Christmas where there are manger scenes every where and Jesus is on buttons of the faithful who still know Christmas is about Christ. Someone said this season is weird because Jesus morphs back to a little child. Jesus is no longer a babe that is weak and needing of care. We celebrate the birth of Jesus and that He came with a purpose. It took several seasons of him living a status quo life training and living before he moved to truly meet the needs of people, people like myself.
    Yesterday my husband and I went to court to yet again being pulled emotionally with the change in our foster children's plans. We have become so invested in them and them in us that the thought of them leaving us is incredibly painful. We knew going there that we would hear the plan was to be changed but we went any way to hear everything we could about the particulars and if given a chance to speak. We did not get that chance. We came home so incredibly exhausted we could barely move. We went straight to nap for a few hours. Last night we felt so heavy and belabored. We attempted small moments of escape through movies and desserts. I laid my head down for sleep last night hoping to shut it all off. This morning I rose with a purpose to spend time with the one who came to be with me.
      I sat in my club chair and read scripture and still the heaviness and tiredness hovered. Then I read a small article entitled Emmanuel, God with us. I began to really meditate on this then I was reminded of a powerful tool...praise & worship. Like Paul and Silas we had no idea what will happen next, we felt trapped and helpless. "Mary praised in the midst of her unknowing."(Geischen) So I did just that I put on my Ipod on and I praised Him in the midst of my unknowing, in the midst of my great fears and pain. I sang better is one day in your courts than thousands else where. The heaviness began to lift. My perspective shifted to the real truth! The truth that never changes.
"Because you are my helper I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely." Psalm 63:7,8
    I was reminded that there is so much power in praise, your perspective shifts and all that is there is still there but Jesus is holding my hand. He is alive and I celebrate His friendship and comfort.

Reboot

Post Thanksgiving and I ate enormous amounts of bad food, too much wheat, too much sugar ugh. Last night I watched Fast Sick and Nearly Dead. I was super impressed with the idea that this man who was morbidly obese and had a bizarre and painful auto immune disease decided to simply start juicing. He traveled the U.S. from one side to the other  juicing and talking to others about the benefits. At the end he had rebooted his system and got completely off his medications it was crazy and lost a tremendous amount of weight. He didn't just lose weight he began a real exercise change to the point where his parents considered living that way as well.
So I decided to have some veggie & fruit smoothies.
  Yesterday: I had one a few hours after dinner:
   frozen spinach
   celery
  1 apple
  1 banana


then I made one for the morning after consisting of the same only adding carrots and I had it for breakfast.
After a few hours I had another full of 
Kale
Spinach
1  banana
1 green apple for lunch.




Four hours and one workout later I had 
kale
spinach 
carrots
1 banana
1 apple smoothie.


Within the hour two glasses of water. 


I feel ridiculously hydrated! Not bloated and have energy. I have had two cravings. A little bit after this most recent smoothie I was full and suddenly felt this very real craving for the crunch of crackers... Crackers of all things. The sensation of chewing somehow seems comforting and I haven't had it now for 19 hours. Now earlier today I thought I would eat dinner but the question in my mind is should I keep going? Should I keep making smoothies for 10 days? This man in the film asked people try it for 10 days.hmmmm.