The Sacrifice of Borrowed Motherhood

This sculpture came to mind when I thought of my current situation of being a foster mom. My days thus far have only been borrowed. Most folks who don't know or our family don't know the children we love and care for are foster children. They have been with us 14 months and we are in love with them. We've been in and out of court with their goal being changed here and there because of the law and what it says. 

What I've chosen to do is to put into them the best I can. I see more and more everyday their disadvantages and how they struggle with normal situations. I see they have seen abuse and neglect immeasurable and yet they are not free to adopt. I am reminded of the borrowed time every time their social worker makes her monthly surprise visit.  I thought I had missed it when my husband was home instead of me; but no she came again today. My heart breaks every time I think I might have to part with them to a place that will have no hope or help. That I find it to be the hardest but my  physical presence quickly moves to the their immediate daily needs while in the back of my minds I wonder will I get to kiss them goodnight for much longer... tooth brushing x 3, homework x 2, interminable potty training. This is my sacrifice of love to them and I hope that it changes them no matter the outcome.

" I want to be somebody's Gerry"

 I watched this great chick flick called "P.s. I love you" and as always there's a whirlwind of emotion. This movie is not just a fluff happy ending where it just seems too ridiculous for words. It's about crazy love and crazy loss. Sometimes love hits you in the heart and you feel like you can't breathe then it changes and grows into something much different. For some it tanks and leaves you empty, betrayed, used and full of questions. Sometimes you are lifted up where eagles fly sort of speak...wink wink. When you find a love that loves you with all your worts that is worth fighting for. I am not talking about a person who treats you like dirt and mistakenly think you can change them by the power of your love; that's called work friends not love. I am blessed enough to have a marriage of nearly 12 years (to the same man I might add) and I feel one with this individual. I feel a greater version of myself. In the flick mentioned above the woman who's deeply in love has her husband (Gerry) die. Gerry leads her through her grief by leaving behind all sorts of letters that come to her in all sorts of ways to give her plan of how to proceed. Towards the end of the film as the woman comes to know who she is after the love of her life dies she confides in a male friend. The said male friend was hopes to have more and continues to realize that she is not over Gerry and he says " I want to be somebody's Gerry". I heard those words and I thought yes I get it, that quest for love to find that one person that you can't imagine not doing life with and vica versa. Ah love it's so much more that just the original dance of wondering do they feel, will it be reciprocated, is it going some where? Are they really that great or just an awesome con person stringing along a lot of other hopeful women..(oh the Bachelor comes to mind but lets not digress too much). 


    If you are committed to marriage you commit to so much more than you really bargain for no matter how you find it or how it finds you. Commitment seems to be such a disposable word now a days. Divorce happens for insane reasons and so quickly gets bitter and ugly. But commitment man that's work.... it's not like the great wedding cards that say hope your lives are filled with loving, laughing and all around perfection. Life is messy so very messy but wrapped in the commitment of love it's like bacon; something strong, protein based and keeps you going. :O) 


    So for those that have made the commitment, keep going for if you keep working at it it will bring great reward. For those on the pursuit remember that you are worthy of a mate that loves you, cares for you and is always in your corner. 
XoXooooXXXXXOOOOO

The Secret Weapon of Praise

    Currently we are in the month of Christmas where there are manger scenes every where and Jesus is on buttons of the faithful who still know Christmas is about Christ. Someone said this season is weird because Jesus morphs back to a little child. Jesus is no longer a babe that is weak and needing of care. We celebrate the birth of Jesus and that He came with a purpose. It took several seasons of him living a status quo life training and living before he moved to truly meet the needs of people, people like myself.
    Yesterday my husband and I went to court to yet again being pulled emotionally with the change in our foster children's plans. We have become so invested in them and them in us that the thought of them leaving us is incredibly painful. We knew going there that we would hear the plan was to be changed but we went any way to hear everything we could about the particulars and if given a chance to speak. We did not get that chance. We came home so incredibly exhausted we could barely move. We went straight to nap for a few hours. Last night we felt so heavy and belabored. We attempted small moments of escape through movies and desserts. I laid my head down for sleep last night hoping to shut it all off. This morning I rose with a purpose to spend time with the one who came to be with me.
      I sat in my club chair and read scripture and still the heaviness and tiredness hovered. Then I read a small article entitled Emmanuel, God with us. I began to really meditate on this then I was reminded of a powerful tool...praise & worship. Like Paul and Silas we had no idea what will happen next, we felt trapped and helpless. "Mary praised in the midst of her unknowing."(Geischen) So I did just that I put on my Ipod on and I praised Him in the midst of my unknowing, in the midst of my great fears and pain. I sang better is one day in your courts than thousands else where. The heaviness began to lift. My perspective shifted to the real truth! The truth that never changes.
"Because you are my helper I sing for joy in the shadow of your wings. I cling to you; your strong right hand holds me securely." Psalm 63:7,8
    I was reminded that there is so much power in praise, your perspective shifts and all that is there is still there but Jesus is holding my hand. He is alive and I celebrate His friendship and comfort.

Reboot

Post Thanksgiving and I ate enormous amounts of bad food, too much wheat, too much sugar ugh. Last night I watched Fast Sick and Nearly Dead. I was super impressed with the idea that this man who was morbidly obese and had a bizarre and painful auto immune disease decided to simply start juicing. He traveled the U.S. from one side to the other  juicing and talking to others about the benefits. At the end he had rebooted his system and got completely off his medications it was crazy and lost a tremendous amount of weight. He didn't just lose weight he began a real exercise change to the point where his parents considered living that way as well.
So I decided to have some veggie & fruit smoothies.
  Yesterday: I had one a few hours after dinner:
   frozen spinach
   celery
  1 apple
  1 banana


then I made one for the morning after consisting of the same only adding carrots and I had it for breakfast.
After a few hours I had another full of 
Kale
Spinach
1  banana
1 green apple for lunch.




Four hours and one workout later I had 
kale
spinach 
carrots
1 banana
1 apple smoothie.


Within the hour two glasses of water. 


I feel ridiculously hydrated! Not bloated and have energy. I have had two cravings. A little bit after this most recent smoothie I was full and suddenly felt this very real craving for the crunch of crackers... Crackers of all things. The sensation of chewing somehow seems comforting and I haven't had it now for 19 hours. Now earlier today I thought I would eat dinner but the question in my mind is should I keep going? Should I keep making smoothies for 10 days? This man in the film asked people try it for 10 days.hmmmm.

Seriously A Helping Hand goes a long way!

 Another mom and I were dragging our strollers full of healthy toddlerness up several stairs of a museum this week. At the very top were two men who had clear view of our struggle and never once lifted a finger to help us. I got to the top thinking really are you serious?


I'm just wondering are manners and common courtesy just not hip? Is it something completely foreign in our day and age. I thought if it had been my husband he would have stopped whatever he was doing to help a woman. Teach your kids courtesy and help for others, model it! It starts at home; it's what I like to call home training.

6 Little Running Feet

      I became an instant foster mom of three almost a year ago. My hubby and I went into this journey with our eyes open knowing the children might be reunited with their parent. It's been almost a year and the children though challenged have bonded with us beyond our dreams. We love them and they love us. They constantly say they don't want to leave. Any little change of pace undoes them in ways that normal children aren't undone. At different times during normal daily activities such as having dinner different stories have come out about abuse and their past. It's so hard to process for yourself as a parent and even harder to help them. 
    There are things you hope for when you think you are going to be a parent. There are things you tell people that you will do and things you will "never" do but when you are in the thick of it all bets are off. 
   The details of our situation make me daily need to choose a different hope and alternative. I remember always feeling like education was important as a kid and how failing at it was just not an option. I suppose I felt that education would be the same for my kids, but right now it isn' t the end all beat all. I've had my perspective challenged because emotional health is taking precedence. Also always knowing that we would adopt I had assumed the children would not really look like us. I had pondered the many struggles that were sure to come with that and how others might react but never once did I think that they would look like me. Now I have the reverse problem were those who don't know our family assume they are biologically ours and all their quirks are my raising. It's amazing how in public you want to put your best foot forward and even more so as a mom. Some think automatically I am super mom because we were willing to chose to bring three small children into ours lives. I have never felt more challenged in my life. 
   No one really tells you that in parenting your past issues will all come flooding in and that you have to process that, maybe heal from or rethink in the midst of dealing with the here and in your face. I am neither a saint or hedonist but wow have I found out about myself in this process of completely rearranging my life. When you are out in everyday life and surrounded by other adults you tend to think of your home as your safe place when it's just you and your spouse. You can regroup there and figure out how to handle situations and destress and face the world again. When your life is changed to meet the every real and impressing demand of children you come to the end of yourself pretty quickly. I have no shame in saying that because it's the truth. I'm not more patient than the next mom or feel like fostering is something I can completely handle. Sure I think if the Lord sees fit to put these children back with their bio-dad that my heart would surely mourn for a long time. You have dreams about what your family will be like when everyone else is having baby after baby.
    But one thing that I have held strong to is that God really does see all! God knows all. I continue to believe and pray to no end that His plans for these children will come to fruition and I speak destiny into them every moment possible. I rise at 5 am everyday to go to my meeting place with  Abba Father to get my daily bread. The word says He hears me, that in my weakness He is strong and that He works in me to do His good pleasure. Without God this whole experience would come crashing down.  I am glad that God led us to this place where we chose to open our doors to show these children what a normal mommy and daddy do for each other and for their kids.

Announced on your chest at thrift stores

 

 1.) When donating items remember if you thought it was tacky then don't donate the tackiness. (Obviously someone was preoccupied by this issue and wanted the world to know about it)

 

2) In case you thought tacky t-shirts were only in English you might be surprised to know it's internationally spread. This shirt reads beautiful. Good to know you have to announce it on your chest.






 3) A very goofy kid's Romanesc costume. This thing was odd! While one and two were obvious chest tragedies this costume implores the whole body.



Again I feel I have to stress the point that if it was weird enough for you to have to get rid of why try to pass it to a thrift store????