The inevitable question

When people meet me one of the most inevitable questions I always receive is do you have children? I have to say with a pang of sadness in my heart and a smile on my I face I say No or not yet. I know that eventually we will have children and our lives will be turned upside down but for now the answer is still no. We are now "approved" adoptive parents and still there is no definite word on the process or what's going to happen. I did get a recent contact of a sibling group that I know that are not technically up for adoption but it seems since I see these children so often I can't help but wonder. You see faces of children everywhere, when you go to Walmart, when you go to the gas station and even just driving. You see their little faces smooshed against the glass being silly and I wonder. I wonder if any of them could eventually find their way into my heart. It's such an emotional process. I walk a very fine line trying to keep my heart in check, to not get too excited or too clinical about this whole process. I mean one day soon I hope there will be a relationship started that will grow into forever. That I will be someone's mom. Wow it's just so easy for others to become mothers and fathers without even a thought for some. I think of some who willingly give up this amazing gift and leave children to always carry a wound in their heart for being abandoned. That to me is almost impossible. Now granted I know that some are not in a position to be parents and they recognize that and as hard as the choice is to give up their children they do and for that I commend them. But for those who just don't even try I am bewildered.

Now I think of how so many parents must feel that their mistakes are too large and how they started hoping they would be the perfect parent and eventually figure out they are human. I want so much to pour love, care and nurture into children and to see them grow to be a vital part of God's body. The thought that the almighty God will use me to do this job seems unreal, unbelievable and too large. I pray and hope I will continue to receive the wisdom, mercy and grace to continue on this journey and for it to be fruitful.