The crisp breeze

I heard through the crisp breeze the laughter of children.

I saw the sun descending down with the moon close behind.

I felt my breath moving my body.

I heard through the crisp breeze and the hope of fall.

I smelled the scent of wishes and dreams.

I felt my heart pump harder than it has for a while.

I heard through the crisp breeze the memories of youth.

I cherished the days of solitude.

I felt anxious for the coming change.

I heard through the crisp breeze the wonder of the future.

I felt the warm embrace of expectant children.

I cherished the words we are coming to live with you.

The inevitable question

When people meet me one of the most inevitable questions I always receive is do you have children? I have to say with a pang of sadness in my heart and a smile on my I face I say No or not yet. I know that eventually we will have children and our lives will be turned upside down but for now the answer is still no. We are now "approved" adoptive parents and still there is no definite word on the process or what's going to happen. I did get a recent contact of a sibling group that I know that are not technically up for adoption but it seems since I see these children so often I can't help but wonder. You see faces of children everywhere, when you go to Walmart, when you go to the gas station and even just driving. You see their little faces smooshed against the glass being silly and I wonder. I wonder if any of them could eventually find their way into my heart. It's such an emotional process. I walk a very fine line trying to keep my heart in check, to not get too excited or too clinical about this whole process. I mean one day soon I hope there will be a relationship started that will grow into forever. That I will be someone's mom. Wow it's just so easy for others to become mothers and fathers without even a thought for some. I think of some who willingly give up this amazing gift and leave children to always carry a wound in their heart for being abandoned. That to me is almost impossible. Now granted I know that some are not in a position to be parents and they recognize that and as hard as the choice is to give up their children they do and for that I commend them. But for those who just don't even try I am bewildered.

Now I think of how so many parents must feel that their mistakes are too large and how they started hoping they would be the perfect parent and eventually figure out they are human. I want so much to pour love, care and nurture into children and to see them grow to be a vital part of God's body. The thought that the almighty God will use me to do this job seems unreal, unbelievable and too large. I pray and hope I will continue to receive the wisdom, mercy and grace to continue on this journey and for it to be fruitful.

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Growing Our family

The long awaited home study was finally completed. It took double the time to finish than what was told to us. I heard from a lot of people that the paperwork was long and arduous. I did not agree. It was a lot of writing about personal background information however but I feel like I filled out more information for a mortgage than I did for this.

Now the hard part is what I call the search and date. You may get a call from families first network to see if we are interested in being voted on for children. A panel of social workers and their bosses get together and vote on what seems to be the best home study. Then you are contacted to see if were chosen. If you were you can get more in depth information of the child/children and you begin dating them. The dating part is what seems so incredibly awkward and bizarre to me.

We recently attended an adoption picnic where you get to interact with the children and hopefully get some information on them. Well we attended one and I felt like a an awkward kid myself with a goofy "Hi my name is" sticker. Any child that is capable of knowing what's going on around them knows why they are meeting new people. That's the part I found so difficult. Of course most of the children want to be adopted and maybe you meet some you think you "hit off" with then you may not be the only family interested. Onto to the vote. You are left in limbo until you get contacted to see if you can start dating.

I am glad to be adopting, I am glad to soon be a mom but this process is hard. You think gosh it's so easy for others. One day you are not pregnant and one day you are. You get nine months Lord willing to mentally prepare yourself for the huge change but with adopting it's so much more. If you are as open as we are to accepting varying ages and number of children it's hard to picture what your family will grow to look like and how it will change. Some people think we are "special" or "saintly" for choosing this option others think how glad they are it's not them. I know it's not for everyone but I'm not a superhuman for choosing this path. I think everyone deserves a mom and dad.