The Sacrifice of Borrowed Motherhood

This sculpture came to mind when I thought of my current situation of being a foster mom. My days thus far have only been borrowed. Most folks who don't know or our family don't know the children we love and care for are foster children. They have been with us 14 months and we are in love with them. We've been in and out of court with their goal being changed here and there because of the law and what it says. 

What I've chosen to do is to put into them the best I can. I see more and more everyday their disadvantages and how they struggle with normal situations. I see they have seen abuse and neglect immeasurable and yet they are not free to adopt. I am reminded of the borrowed time every time their social worker makes her monthly surprise visit.  I thought I had missed it when my husband was home instead of me; but no she came again today. My heart breaks every time I think I might have to part with them to a place that will have no hope or help. That I find it to be the hardest but my  physical presence quickly moves to the their immediate daily needs while in the back of my minds I wonder will I get to kiss them goodnight for much longer... tooth brushing x 3, homework x 2, interminable potty training. This is my sacrifice of love to them and I hope that it changes them no matter the outcome.

" I want to be somebody's Gerry"

 I watched this great chick flick called "P.s. I love you" and as always there's a whirlwind of emotion. This movie is not just a fluff happy ending where it just seems too ridiculous for words. It's about crazy love and crazy loss. Sometimes love hits you in the heart and you feel like you can't breathe then it changes and grows into something much different. For some it tanks and leaves you empty, betrayed, used and full of questions. Sometimes you are lifted up where eagles fly sort of speak...wink wink. When you find a love that loves you with all your worts that is worth fighting for. I am not talking about a person who treats you like dirt and mistakenly think you can change them by the power of your love; that's called work friends not love. I am blessed enough to have a marriage of nearly 12 years (to the same man I might add) and I feel one with this individual. I feel a greater version of myself. In the flick mentioned above the woman who's deeply in love has her husband (Gerry) die. Gerry leads her through her grief by leaving behind all sorts of letters that come to her in all sorts of ways to give her plan of how to proceed. Towards the end of the film as the woman comes to know who she is after the love of her life dies she confides in a male friend. The said male friend was hopes to have more and continues to realize that she is not over Gerry and he says " I want to be somebody's Gerry". I heard those words and I thought yes I get it, that quest for love to find that one person that you can't imagine not doing life with and vica versa. Ah love it's so much more that just the original dance of wondering do they feel, will it be reciprocated, is it going some where? Are they really that great or just an awesome con person stringing along a lot of other hopeful women..(oh the Bachelor comes to mind but lets not digress too much). 


    If you are committed to marriage you commit to so much more than you really bargain for no matter how you find it or how it finds you. Commitment seems to be such a disposable word now a days. Divorce happens for insane reasons and so quickly gets bitter and ugly. But commitment man that's work.... it's not like the great wedding cards that say hope your lives are filled with loving, laughing and all around perfection. Life is messy so very messy but wrapped in the commitment of love it's like bacon; something strong, protein based and keeps you going. :O) 


    So for those that have made the commitment, keep going for if you keep working at it it will bring great reward. For those on the pursuit remember that you are worthy of a mate that loves you, cares for you and is always in your corner. 
XoXooooXXXXXOOOOO