There have been so many first I have missed being a soon to be adoptive mom and thus that is why first moments mean so much to me. This week there were two (firsts). Our oldest lost two baby teeth and our youngest skated at a skating ring for the first time. Our youngest was so confident,it never phased him that he'd never done it before. He wanted to go into the ring with all these fast children whipping around and didn't want daddy to hold his hand. Since I had not skated for years I went as well and I did need my middle lady to hold my hand. It was so sweet to me how slow she went. These are the moments I feel so connected to them.
For our oldest it wasn't nearly as fun for firsts but money from the tooth fairy quickly heals the woes. Eventually our oldest will find out there is no tooth fairy but for right now I was more than happy to propagate the myth by sewing her a little bag, with a tooth on the front that contained $4. She had to have her teeth pulled because of yuckness and she was so brave. Now she looks like a normal 7 yr old at least in the mouth.I saw other kids that were her same age and realized that indeed she is way smaller than she should be. It's interesting to explain her size to people who know their origin, but for those who don't she was grown in our hearts along with her sister and brother.
We get closer to the day were they can be adopted and I can't wait. In my heart I know these are our children. My pastor looked at pictures we posted on line,(another first) and said "when I look at them I know this is right." Thinking about that brings tears to my eyes as it's been a long journey to get here. No one ever talks about how the road to adopting kids feels like the longest birth ever. Have I gained and lost weight in the process? YES. Have I been ridiculously emotional? Check! Have I nested? check! Have I wondered if I will mess them up? check! Only somehow the stakes seem so much higher since they live here. They come with baggage, they come with a past that continues to hinder them in areas of growth, development, attachment and learning.
I talked with a dear friend a few days ago and we talked of living our dreams and how much we think we should not struggle now that we have attained our dreams of family. Holy moly how hard is it when you add a little person into the mix, or two or three. The definition of family becomes questioned consistently. You wonder if your expectations are valid, you wonder if you are good enough, you wonder what they will be every day. Suddenly in the midst of every day mundane activities they've grown a little taller, a little smarter, more healed and teeth fall out and new ones grow. This happens right before your very eyes, right before all your questions and what ifs,tantrums, broken stuff and lots and lots of tears.
However this season I am so thankful for our little people who have been designed for our family. I am so very thankful for our case manager who has been so supportive and gracious to take our case after our previous one was um gone on "permanent vacation". I am thankful for our therapist and how hard they work on figuring out how our kiddos tick. I am thankful for teachers who work hard to help our kiddos. I am thankful for family and friends all over the map from West to East and North to South, who pray without ceasing for them and us. I am thankful to God who makes beautiful things out of dust.
I don't know how our next chapter will unfold but I do know that God never changes, His ways are still the same, He cares for us so much He gave his most valuable relationship up for us. I am thankful that God knows me. He knew my kids in the womb and He knows my husband and our need.
